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Even with the demon lying quiet most days now, Laruku still found that his memory was spotty here and there, or that sometimes he would remember things he wasn't sure he had actually done. Whether it was denial or what he really believed, the hybrid had just come to attribute it to his growing tendancy to not pay attention much to his surroundings anymore and to phase out now and again when he took those long and lonely walks through the trees and fog. Yesterday was as much a mystery as tomorrow was, but he remembered the few people he did see now and again because the long stretches that divided the encounters were so empty.
He knew the shack that Ahren had been staying in. Misery was long gone already. His daughter's scent had replaced hers and was strewn about the area. Rachias? he called out softly into the morning mist. The other red-eyed male did not seem to be around, but he didn't know if Rachias had taken to following him around in addition to staying with him. The tattered hybrid sat in the small clearing, content to wait a while if that was what it took. What else did he have to do anyway? And who else did he have to see?
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Living with Ahren wasn't often much different than living with her father. She didn't really hang around her father's den much and, likewise, she didn't really hang around the shack so much. Often times Ahren wouldn't come back tot he shack at all or, when he did, it was very late and Rachias had already laid down to sleep for the night. The biggest and, really, only difference was that she felt wanted there. He hadn't stopped to even think about it when she'd asking him if she could stay with him, then again her own promises might have been the deciding factor. The caramel colored girl had kept those promises, not cluttering up the place and basically staying out of the way.
The girl had been sleeping soundly when the voice filtered in from outside, drawing her head out of the clump of blankets that was her bed. She was groggy and still half out of it, it wasn't unlike her to take a nap now and again. Rachias rose slowly, not bothering to make herself presentable as she trudged through the shack, a thin and small blanket hanging loosely over her. When she reach the door she poked her head out. "Ahren?" Maybe he wanted her for something. Of course, when her vision cleared and she stepped out into the open, she saw that it wasn't him at all. "Oh." It was all that she could muster at the sight of him, ears falling back to lay against her head.
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He had an idea of how it would play out in a way because he could imagine his own reaction if it were him instead of her. But while he had always wished that someone had told him about all of the nonsense that was his heritage and birth, the older he grew, the more he sympathized with the adults that had fooled him. It was inevitable then, that he had become one of them, though he would consider himself far worse than those that had had a hand in deceiving him. This was far worse than anything that had ever been done to him. The hybrid felt himself tense when she emerged from the shadows; the girl seemed too tired for him to properly read her expression, but he could still tell that she wasn't exactly pleased to see him.
I'm sorry, he said quietly, his own torn ears flattening. I should have never said that. I do care about you, Rachias, it's just... I can explain if you want to, but that's up to you. Or I can leave you alone. Red eyes stared at the ground at his daughter's feet, utterly ashamed to even be standing there before her. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. And that he always would be because nothing would ever be enough. He would change the world if he could, but if anyone could, it wasn't going to be him.
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-Purposely didn't post this until you went to eat dinner!-
Rachias had been fairly convinced that he wouldn't come looking for her. She was almost certain, now, that he'd meant what he said that day. Accepting that didn't make it hurt any less though. Ahren had taken the time to try and convince her that it wasn't something that she had done wrong and, though she had been fairly unconvinced before, she had come to the conclusion that, if she had done something wrong, she really didn't know what it was. It took a few moments before she was aware enough that her face could be made into a readable expression, which happened to be a very sad expression. Rather pathetic looking, with droopy ears and eyes that shone of hurt.
At the sound of his voice she turned her head away from him, staring off to the right for a short moment before blue eyes finally settled into the dirt. She seated herself even, a sign that she might actually stay and listen, and curled her tail up into the blanket that was still clinging to half of her body. Maybe he was just saying to try and make himself look good again since the whole pack had seen what had gone on. "You acted like I wasn't even there." Her voice was soft and quivered just the slightest, head hung as she sat. Perhaps that was another part in her sadness, it was like she didn't exist.
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I know, he admitted, a hushed whisper in the fog now. I... I was never meant to be a father. I can't even take care of myself, much less the pack, much less you or your brothers. The tattered hybrid sat down as well: facing her, the scars that marred his chest and stomach were more obvious, as if to testify to the fact that he was poor at maintaining his own health. He took a slow and deep breath and continued to stare at the dirty snow in front of his daughter, feeling too much of a failure and a coward to meet her eyes -- brilliant blue, where had that color come from, he wondered?
Ryoujoku, Laruku said after a while, You've met him, I know. The better father, right? The laughter was qued on in his head, and he ignored it best he could. He's your real father, I guess. He was the one your mother cared for, not me. Even now, he felt like he hardly knew the woman that had given him his children. I don't know what he's ever said to you, but if they were kind things, he's only playing with you. Maybe Gabriel told you he's done awful things and is dangerous -- he's right. He closed his eyes then though he wasn't sure why he was allowing himself to picture the scenes in his head again. He's hurt people that didn't deserve to be hurt, killed people, children. No reason at all. He plays games. He does whatever he likes and has no morals or remorse. He doesn't care at all about anyone or anything. And that includes you.
He took another deep breath, willing himself to continue while still ignoring the cackling and screaming echoing in the back of his skull. I... You and your brothers remind me of him, of all the things he's done, of all the things I've done. It's not your fault. It's mine. I... But I know you're more than that. You're your own person and I'm glad... No, he wished they didn't exist. He wished none of them existed. He wished he didn't exist. He didn't love them. Maybe he'd never be able to. He was an awful person and that wasn't going to stop, was it? I'm glad you're not turning out like him. Like me. Laruku opened his eyes but looked up instead of at Rachias. The gash across his throat pulsed when he swallow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't don't love you.
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"But you do take care of everyone." The girl commented quietly, referring to the pack. He didn't have to stay and do it, but he did, and everyone seemed generally happy in the first place. In her mind it was all a matter of wanting to instead of having to or being able to. It only meant that he didn't want to take care of her, even though she hadn't really asked anything of him at all. Rachias hid her face away from him for the time, letting blue eyes wander in other directions as he spoke. It was obvious that she was listening though, despite the level of her ears against her head.
Ryoujoku, a name was given, one that she wasn't familiar with. It was obvious who he meant though and Rachias played the name through her mind a dozen times. Everyone who'd ever told her bad things either called him your father or Laruku, perhaps they hadn't known he had a name of his own. The girl honestly didn't know what to say in response to the information he was providing, though when something came to mind they were small comments. "At least he pretends to care about me." Her voice was an ounce of bitter layered with a gallon of hurt. Whether or not the other side was just pretending, Rachias still wasn't sure. "And I didn't deserve to be hurt." But you hurt me anyways. Ahren had even told her she hadn't done anything wrong.
He was glad. Her ears perked up a moment, head coming back around to lay blue eyes on him. He stopped then, hesitated or something, and Rachias waited patiently to finish. The words came finally and for a moment the girl frowned. It only made it that much more confusing. Pushing herself, she stood and took a few steps toward him. "If I'm not like you and not like momma.." Not that she'd really understood what her mother was like. "..then why don't you want me?" How could she remind him of all of that when she wasn't like them? She didn't understand. "I..if it's your fault then stop! I'm good like I promised." Her voice quivered then, for a moment, and she forced herself to be quiet. It made sense to her to just stop.
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Laruku had never considered the fact that he stayed an act of heroism or courage or any other positive thing. In truth, he was too tied to leave and too afraid of losing the only thing he had left, even if that was nothing much at all: some fog and some graves he was too ashamed to face anymore. He stayed because he had no where else to be, because staying was easier than anything else -- he was a leader more as symbol than anything else. Every time he stood up in front of a crowd, it was awkward and ridiculous. Every meeting he had called had been useless in every sense of the world. He wasn't taking care of them. They were taking care of themselves. He was a shiny crown at the throne, pretending to be real. But it was just pretend. They didn't need him and he knew it -- they probably knew it too, but symbols were traditional and so they kept him around, not knowing he could kill them all in their sleep.
You're right, he said in the same strangled voice, You don't deserve to be hurt. You don't deserve any of my bullshit or excuses either. Forcing himself back to his feet, the tattered hybrid carefully crossed the distance between them and nuzzled his daughter gently. It was the first time he'd ever done anything like it and he felt awkward doing it, but he had to right? You're a good girl, he reassured her. I do care about you, Rachias... I just. ...I don't know how to be a father. And he didn't want to know or learn either, that was the problem. He wanted to hide from them and let someone else take care of the mistakes he'd made, that was all.
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The feeling of him nuzzling her was odd at first, not something she quite expected from him, though after a moment of hesitation she accepted it. It felt good, different than when she tried to do it to Arkham, but good just the same. "I thought you already were." She said honestly, lifting her eyes for a moment to stare up at his face. Gabriel's parents were gone, Faolin's, Hybrid's, and just about everyone else's that she could think of. Hell, even his parents were gone. Her mother had up and left but Laruku was still here, which had to have meant something, at least in her mind. "I thought you were doin' okay." At least, up until the meeting.
Couldn't they just go back to how it was? "Is it really okay if I'm here?" She asked finally, unsure whether she actually wanted the answer to that or not. If not, well, she supposed that she really would have to go back to Inferni, even if she'd thought she was keeping him company or doing him some kind of good by being around.
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I say done!
Yeah, he said quietly, and it was sincere this time. Or at least, as sincere as he could ever be with screams in his head and the gash across his throat that labeled him a monster and a child killer. It would be safer to break her heart, for her to hate him, than it was to have to live with the uncertainty of her safety. Laruku had spent his entire life being weak, but even now, he couldn't be the stronger person and let her go on without him. He would likely always believe that she was better off without him; even if she stayed in the pack, living with Ahren wasn't such a bad alternative, was it? But he couldn't push her away anymore. And he hoped that decision wouldn't kill her.
Yeah, the father repeated, It's okay.
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