Newbie - need some critique and advice

Vin Furia · 12-21-2009, 02:59 PM

This will be my first active character at Souls and I really want to do this right and thoroughly. I don't think in all my years of roleplaying I've put this much thought into a character. (Which is rather pathetic). I'm a bit unclear and unsure on a few details, so I was hoping people could come along and give their opinions and perhaps create some plots with me. I also really want to improve my writing, as it has slipped over the years and I really tend to over use commas.

Name: Vin Furia - The name is directly inspired from my one of my favorite movies, Chronicles of Riddick. Nothing all that relevant to the In Character part, just thought that was a cool fact I'd throw in his profile. I also have multiple inspirations for his personality, history, and upcoming talents.

Age: Not sure
- I am not sure if I want him to be younger or start off as a puppy. He has a very well developed personality and set ways about doing things. However, I want him to be able to grow and really develop some strong relationships. For instance, I want him to learn about being a medic and using herbal medicine. I also would like him to learn how to be a guardian and some basic skills with a sword. I would like him to know from the start how to read and right, given that was main focus of his clan and Iro taught him many proverbs and sayings. If that sounds too ambitious, let me know. As for the age issue, I just picture a younger wolf being mentored and shaped the way I would like him to be. So should I start off as an adult or a puppy? I'm leaning more toward a puppy. That may mean I need to modify his history a bit.

Birthdate: Will be decided once I hammer out the age issue.

Appearance:
-This is where I get a bit confused. I do know what I want him to look like when he is finished growing and maturing. Should I just post this in his profile or should I ask someone to help me calculate his current stats? I want him to be of medium build; sort of in between muscular and lean.

The stats I've calculated when he is done growing:
Lupus:
-Weight: 105 lbs
-Height: 31"
-Length: 66"

Secui:
-Weight: 175 lbs
-Height: 37 inches
-Length: 206 inches

Optime:
-Weight: 200 lbs
-Height: 7.2 feet

-Vin is a gray wolf with a white on the underside of his muzzle, chest, and under carriage. Between his eyes and the upper part of his muzzle is a faint dusting of brown. He has a splash of black down his back to the base of his tail. More black appears at the tip of his tail (which is other wise completely gray). His eyes a deep, rich golden brown, like his mother's. His voice is warm and gentle, despite his detached nature. He has a scar from his right ear to his upper right eye due to a devastating throw from an angry optime.

Personality:

Vin was forced to mature at a very young age. His abusive puppy hood at the hands of his stepfather caused him to distance and then ultimately detach himself from his emotions. His behavior is guided by logic and emotion suppression. His caretaker, Iro encouraged this to spare the boy any more traumatic pain. Iro taught him to meditate and provide service to others. He loves to lay quietly by and observe others. He is an excellent mediator due to his ability to look at things strictly objectively, however his nature has caused him to have no close attachments or relations to others. Due to his period of isolation from his family, he does not know loyalty or clan life other than what is instinctualy ingrained. He was supposed to be taught the art of medicine and swordsmanship, however his caretaker died before he had the chance to start.

History:

Vin Furia is the third born son of Renee and Simon Furia of the Fiery Eclipse Clan. The clan was formed when his father, an avid star gazer and spiritualist was able to predict the rare solar eclipse, thus winning the admiration and adoration of his followers. Renee gave birth to three sons, Ivan, Riley, and Vin. Unbeknownst to the happy couple, a darker clan of wolves coveted both their land and their fair leader, Renee. Denali Adonai, the clan's alpha, particularly coveted Renee and her beauty. They were able to launch a successful attack and dethrone the ruling pair, thus taking over Fiery Eclipse. Renee promised her love and loyalty to the new alpha on the condition that he spare her former mate and her three children. He reluctantly agreed, but at a terrible price. Simon was demoted to Omega with no chance of rising the ranks. The three children were abused and not allowed to socialize or play with other clan members. Renee, distraught by her situation, secretly visited the children when Denali and the others left the mainlands to hunt.

Denali, a great hunter and strong leader, however discovered Renee's treachery. She was severely punished and her children also paid a harsh, physical price. Poor Vin was thrown from the den where he hit his head on rock, splitting it open from his ear to his upper right eye. He is extremely lucky that his skull was not shattered. Iro, the pack's elder was horrified by Denali's violence and rescued Vin by secretly dragging his body away and nursing him back to health. His family, overcome by grief, presumed their third born was dead.

Iro could not bring himself to rejoin the clan after Denali's display of violence, so he never returned Vin back to his mother or his family. Vin suffered from blood loss and memory loss. His childhood memories became blurry and incomplete. It did not take long for Iro to realize the boy was suppressing his emotions. Unable to bring himself to tell the young boy of his family's fate, Iro encouraged the boy to learn logic and forget about his past.

Vin flourished under Iro's teachings, however his mentor was old and of poor health. Vin's last memory of his teacher was his dying wish: to learn the arts of healing and guardianship and that he must never look back. To come back near the place of his birth would surely spell the end of logic and knowledge for him. (I am not sure how long it has taken Vin to travel from his birth place to here, I guess that would depend on his age.)

Relations:
-None currently on the board

Mother: Renee Furia - A solid black wolf with a white patch on her chest. She has deep golden brown eyes and is of medium build. Her personality is fairly relaxed, but she has a very strong set of values and code of conduct. She was looked on has a fierce, but fair pack leader. Always deferred to her long time mate and father of her children, Simon Furia.

Father: Simon Furia - A large gray wolf with fierce green eyes. He was very large for a Luperci, his optime form topping off at a nice 225 pounds. Also a wolf of traditions, he was far sterner on the pack then his mate. However, he always tried to rule with a fair paw. His greatest flaw was being quick to anger and harsh on punishment.

Siblings: Ivan and Riley Furia.

Ivan - 1st Born and completely sterling gray, he resembles his father. He has a medium - large build. His eyes are the same fierce green. Incredibly angry and resentful, he is what many consider to be out of control. Due to his abusive puppy hood at the hands of another tribe, he defies authority and does not trust anyone. Aloof, he spurns any closeness as he fears this could lead to further harm. He strongly resents his father for losing control of the clan and hence revoking his birth right as future leader. He believes his brother, Vin, is dead.

Riley Furia - 2nd born. Riley his blackish and grayish all over. His face is black with his father's eyes, although body wise, he resembles his smaller, more petite mother. He was once gentle, but he is deeply saddened by his family's defeat. Particularly since his mother must suffer at the hands of a cruel forced mate ship. Stern, yet quiet, Riley tends to show leadership qualities with his quiet, yet assertive demeanor. He also believes his brother, Vin, is dead.

Luperci: All family members are Luperci Ortus

This is what I basically have to start with. I also have a few more questions:

1. To reiterate, I was wondering if I should start him off as an adult or puppy? I'm leaning more toward puppy. I am also perfectly willing to modify his history if need be.

2. Is it possible to find a medic and a swordsman to mentor him? Is there any thing I can read to learn more about these arts considering I don't know much about them? I've always been very curious.

3. Should I modify his stats to be his current size?

4. Is there a section in the RP guide about Inferni?

Any help and critique would be greatly appreciated!

Dawali Amara · 12-21-2009, 04:40 PM

Hai! Welcome :3

Age
Your ambitions sound fine, and I think I'd say it's better to start as a youth than a puppy, from a personal viewpoint. I tend to get uncertain about what to do with a puppy, even though they're fun to play, especially if I have set goals. It then feels like the puppy-time is just 'waiting' for him/her to be old enough to learn what I want him/her to learn and so on, so I generally prefer a youth/adult if I can. By puppy I mean 2 months old, by youth I mean around maybe 8-10 months, close to a year, around the age of a human teenager. In the RP guide there is a handy age scale which shows you what mental age we reckon wolves are in by human age, see here: http://rpguide.soulsrpg.com/were_life.php

Appearance
Body - This again would be reflected in what age you choose for your character. We don't really work with 'stats' if you mean a chart of numeric values. I play a puppy right now which I intend to become quite muscular as an adult, so when he was a puppy I described him as quite large and chubby or well-fed, so it would fit with his later body form. Since you want your character to be in between lean and muscular, I'd say you could simply state that his body is "healthy" in appearance, to keep it neutral until his finished body manifests itself? Smile

You should also list his species somewhere in here.

Height/weight/lengt
(see here: http://rpguide.soulsrpg.com/were_basics.php )
Lupus: The values fit with your description of the body type you are going for.
Secui: 206 inches in length is far off. You should be between 70 and 100 inches. In secui form, he is still on four legs.
Optime: The values fit with your description of the body type you are going for.

Description - I like it, it sounds like he has original markings, and I'm glad to see you've thought to describe his voice also - that's nice! You should state which form he prefers to use, and also perhaps something about posture if you want, or how he carries himself. Does he wear clothing or is he often bringing the same items along?

Personality
Maybe you should list some values or opinions he has - for example what is his take on coyotes, or human knowledge/items? What might make him angry, or happy? Also, given how he was so badly treated by his former clan - how is his thoughts on them? Does he seek revenge/hate them? And how does he feel about his mother?

History
I like your history for the character. You should add something about how he came to 'souls, and perhaps even from which direction, such as 'he traveled bla bla' in search of what? He needs a motive (unless his cause is unmotivated random wandering) for coming here. Of course I guess this also depends on what age you want him to have. Keep in mind that if you settle on a puppy, the walk can't really be too far seeing as he'd die either by starvation or by becoming the prey for other predators such as cougars or bears.

Your writing
Your writing looks fine to me, you have some minor flaws with commas and compounds which looks like they're just mistakes because you wrote a little fast, and not because you don't know the rules. Without having an RP example to look at I can't say much more than that your English is good and you know more fancy words than me Wink

Your Questions
1. To reiterate, I was wondering if I should start him off as an adult or puppy? I'm leaning more toward puppy. I am also perfectly willing to modify his history if need be.
Answered above! :]

2. Is it possible to find a medic and a swordsman to mentor him? Is there any thing I can read to learn more about these arts considering I don't know much about them? I've always been very curious.
Most packs have both medics and swordsmen. If the pack you end up joining doesn't, there are plenty on the board who can teach you stuff. All you need to do is post in roleplay related and ask for threads to teach him that, as soon as you've created your character and been accepted :]

3. Should I modify his stats to be his current size?
This depends on what age you choose. When I play puppies, I tend to write down what I aim for when they're an adult in their profile, and then loosely describe them without numbers above, under a heading such as 'current'. Seeing as they grow so quickly, it's a little bit pointless to add numbers to them when they're puppies - it'd juse give you loads of updating to do :/

4. Is there a section in the RP guide about Inferni?
I don't think so, but there is a lot of info on our packs. All the packs' homepages are linked in the quick links on the index of our page, right below their respective subforum names.
Inferni homepage: http://inferni.soulsrpg.com/
You haven't stated what species your character will belong to: keep in mind that to join Inferni he needs to be pure coyote or a hybrid of at least 25%(? I think it's 25%) coyote. If he's wolf, they won't take him.

Hope this was helpful :]

Jefferson Soul · 12-21-2009, 04:41 PM

Here's my input (because Marit beat me D:<):

Is Vin Furia the exact name of whatever it was inspired by? If that's the case, I would encourage you to change it. I don't believe it's against the rules, but being creative is half the fun. There are plenty of recycled names and references (half of the Lykois have biblical names, including one named Arkham; Jefferson isn't a reference, but it was an American president, etc.) ... I personally find coming up with names one of the best parts of creating a character. I like to use the name generator on behindthename.com or just write down interesting thoughts or words that might be neat put in a name, etc. It usually takes me a while, but that's just me.

Puppy characters tend to be more successful than when new players start with adults. A lot of adult characters have unsteady personalities or are already set in stone, which makes them hard to roleplay sometimes; puppy characters are usually happy, curious, and still learning, so they're more exciting at least at first. Having a puppy apprentice another character is often more fun than having an adult apprentice. The ideas you want him to apprentice in are easy; you can have him enter with some of those skills (the reading/writing one in particular) if you want, and others he can learn from whichever pack he joins. :3 Ultimately, which age you enter him is up to you. If you're really stuck, maybe consider having him be an adolescent -- 6 months-ish, so you get a little bit of both worlds.

Someone else can specify if those weights/heights are wrong for Luperci; I can't remember what the standards are off the top of my head.

Appearance-wise, though, the coloring seems doable. It's odd for grey, black, AND brown to be added together; it's not natural coloring, or at least it's very unnatural so you might want to rethink it. Greys, blacks, and whites are usually paired together; browns, tans, and khakis/whites and the occasional blacks are okay too. We allow unnatural colorings at Souls is they were like tattooed or dyed, but I doubt that coloring would be terribly troublesome.

It looks like you already have a puppyhood background set for him (abuse, etc.) so maybe you should bring him in at either adolescence or somewhere between that and adulthood. Be careful not too make him TOO serious, especially for your first character... they are often draining to play, and a lot of people lose interest fast. He went through abuse, though, so it's understandable -- just be careful and keep this in mind so you know what you're prepared for.

Background looks pretty solid and original. I like it. I can understand splitting one's head on a rock, but that must have been a pretty sharp rock to leave a long scar. When it comes to how he reached 'Souls territory, you could just say that the other pack was not far from it but somewhere off lands, or that he just happened to wander, which is probably the most likely. Remember that wolves typically do not remain loners -- this isn't so much the case for 'Souls wolves since some stay loners forever, but in real life wolves can hardly survive on their own. If he doesn't have any hunting skills, you might want to keep that in mind. My character was a loner awhile, then got attacked by a bear and lost full usage of one of his legs -- he was gimpy like that only a short time before he collapsed on the borders of Phoenix Valley mostly emaciated because he couldn't hunt on his own with the handicap.

The descriptions of his parents/siblings aren't particularly important unless you need to reference them for something or put them on the Open Characters list for people to adopt, but there's no problem in shaping them out for your own reference. They look solid. :3

I answered a couple of your questions, but here's the rest:
--You can usually find a mentor of some sort in whichever pack you choose. You can always post in Roleplay Related after you join about it and if no one from the pack can do it, you can find someone from another pack and they can "run into each other" and somehow get to the point where they teach him something. Easy enough. :3
--His stats seem okay to me, but 200 pounds is scrawny for a 7'2" person, I think. Another mentor can back me up on this.
--I don't believe there is. The basics about Inferni is that they are a coyote or coyote-hybrid clan; no pureblood wolves can join. The clan is full of wolf-hating coyotes; most of the characters there are dark, mean, evil, or have some sort of deep-set issue that sets them apart from the rest of the board... unless you're Razekiel, of course, when you're just a crazy hippie who sort of lives there and pretends he doesn't hate wolves. Inferni gets in a lot of trouble and has a lot of conflict with the wolf packs. If you want something more relaxed, I'd definitely turn you towards one of the other packs, especially because a couple of them we are really encouraging joiners to aim for because they are lower in numbers. Inferni is open, but they aren't in dire need for members right now, unlike Phoenix Valley or AniWaya. If you have other questions on Inferni, though, you can keep posting here or just PM one of the leaders (Gabriel or Kaena; both Mel and Sie are very nice).

Vin Furia · 12-21-2009, 05:05 PM

Vin Furia is not a name taken directly from the movie. I absolutely love the name, so I'm going to keep it. The name references the main actor in the movie and the race the main character is descended from.

To clarify: I am not interested in joining Inferni, just very curious about them because they seemed different from the jump and I thought Inferni was a species, not a clan. Oops! Thank you for your help.

I agree with Jefferson in that he should be an adolescent, sort of in between. Does 10 months sound like a reasonable age?

I will fix the 200 pounds / 7'2"stats. I'll leave the stats out of the profile until he is fully grown and developed. I like the "healthy" appearance description better.

I'm actually not sure what pack I should join actually, I have more research/reading to do. Any suggestions?

I'll have to rewrite the appearance, as the "dusting of brown" is like what it appears to be in this picture: http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/stat...y-wolf-snow.jpg He's got a bit of brown through his coat, despite his black and gray and white appearance.

--

Oh, values as in he values logic, learning, and has a deep respect for his elders. He doesn't have any feelings about Coyotes or hybrids, he only knows that wolves and coyotes rarely get along and co-exist peacefully. He hasn't really had a chance to interact with his own time, since he was confined a lot when he was extremely young and Iro was his only contact when he was recovering and learning.

Jefferson Soul · 12-21-2009, 05:39 PM

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