385.

She had spent so much time convincing herself to delay this meeting that when she actually considered it, she could not determine her reasoning. She had spent a great deal of time trying to push this meeting aside and trying to convince herself that Conor did not really need to know. But now, as she approached the borders of Dahlia de Mai, she felt as though a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she was finally free of her unexplainable burden. Even as she gazed across a field that might have once served as a graveyard, she began to feel a sense of peace wash over her. It was time for Conor to know the truth, even if her own children did not yet have that luxury. She could not trust herself to tell them; not yet, for she feared she would finally break down. It was getting more difficult to carry on without succumbing to apathy.

When she was ready, she sent out a long howl requesting Conor’s presence. With Haku banished and now dead, she felt much safer venturing this far north than she had in some time. Ever since he had trespassed on the AniWayan borders and demanded the whereabouts of her remaining children, Tayui could not bring herself to believe that anywhere was safe – except Inferni. Somehow, she had made it all the way to the pack without encountering Haku; now that she reflected on this, she realized she was very lucky.

She exhaled slowly, trying to let go of all the fears that had plagued her while Haku had been alive. Even if he was dead, she still wanted vengeance. She needed it if she was ever going to have peace. The ‘how’ was the biggest question.

Tayui continued to examine her surroundings, taking note of the crumbling wall in the distance. There were a few stones here and there that betrayed their former use, but for the most part, it seemed as though they were just remnants. She looked around again and found a rock at knee-height; she brushed off a few pieces of grass and pebbles and sat down. She brought her knees together and readjusted her position a few times before finding something more comfortable as she waited for someone – hopefully Conor – to arrive.

!

Conor’s arrival was speedy and for this, Tayui was glad: she did not want to waste time waiting and rethinking what she would say to him. She had spent the entire journey from AniWaya to Dahlia de Mai considering her words and formulating ways to explain the situation at hand. She needed to tell him a number of things, all of which she expected he would take rather poorly. While he might react well, she knew that learning more about his father and his vicious deeds would weigh heavily on his mind for some time. Tayui hated knowing she would be the one to burden the young boy with this knowledge, but she knew she had to do this. She owed it to him, both as the new leader of Dahlia de Mai and as Claudius’ half-sibling. Even if they shared ties only through Haku, they were still family.

“Not too well,” she answered honestly, then paused. “I’ve got something to tell you,” she began, and then hurriedly added: “it’s nothing bad about Claudius, but… you deserve to know.” Even though she had no right to tell him, she still owed it to him. She frowned, considering this, wondering if this really was a good idea. No, it had to be the right idea: it was the only thing she could do. She couldn't make this right, but at least she could reveal the truth.

!

Tayui bit back a sigh when Conor asked her to explain herself. There were so many emotions bubbling up inside that she felt like she would go mad. She wanted to spill everything, but she knew a lot of what she would tell him depended on how she would say it. This was certainly a time for delicacy, and as a mother, former leader and friend, she liked to think she had quite a bit of practice in the area.

She glanced away for a moment as Conor leaned in closer, trying to ready herself for the oncoming storm. She needed a moment to prepare herself and rethink everything. She narrowed her eyes slightly and then shook her head slightly as she returned her gaze to the young boy. She was ready, at last.

“I need to tell you something about Claudius's father,” she began slowly. “It's Haku. Haku is the father of my children.” She paused for a moment and frowned. Should she say more? Should she wait? Should she not mention the rest? But he deserved to know. He needed to know, both as a leader and Haku's son. But first, it would be best to let all of the information sink in before adding another layer to the story. Even if Conor did deserve to know, he was just a luperci like all of them.

She had anticipated a difficult time explaining this to Conor, but now that she was physically here telling him, it became much more difficult. He was very tense now, and had been since she had begun to speak. Now that she had finished, his expression was even graver and she wondered if the emotion she was seeing was resentment. She could not tell whether it was directed at her or his father. When he finally questioned her, it was not what she had been expecting. She had anticipated he would demand more from her, querying the meaning of their relationship or how it related to him. But she could not discern his motivations for this question – if anything, it left her a little uncertain if her purpose was really that just.

She took a deep breath, knowing she would need her own resolve to pull her through. She tried to catch his eyes, hoping that it would either calm her or reassure him that she had a good reason for this. Well, not a ‘good’ reason exactly, since the purpose of her visit was a rather sombre one. As she remembered this, her expression darkened a little. She did not want to constantly keep revisiting this, but she would never get over it unless Conor knew the full truth.

“Because it affects you, Conor, and because you deserve to know – both as his son and the Alpha.” She frowned, and then took a deep breath before continuing. “And because he murdered my daughter, Noir.”

310.

She nodded quietly in response, keeping her gaze steady so she could see his reactions. She kept her eyes on his own, not wanting to tear them away less she miss something. However, at the pace of the conversation, she doubted she would. There were so many second-thoughts and long, drawn out glances that she suspected it would take her some time to get to the point. However, this was not a bad thing: she did not want – or need – to rush this. There was something to be said about comedic timing, and it applied thusly. She could only think how cruel it was that every death not caused by own’s own flawed character made it not a tragedy, but an unfortunate turn of circumstances. Noir was not dead because of her poor choices: she was dead because a madman had paraded around the territories and finally laid his eyes on innocence. When he had seen her, he had destroyed her. It was not a tragedy, but Tayui wished there was a word to call this that would not be a misnomer.

She jumped when Conor spoke a second time. The intensity of his words startled her since she had not expected such a reaction when Conor had been so hesitant to receive the information.

Finally, she replied: “thank you, Conor.” She did not know what else she could say. She had not been there when Noir had died, nor had she been the one to find the body. At this thought, she felt her stomach heave a little and she had to glance away to try and regain herself. She felt sick. The thought that her daughter – a luperci – had been ripped apart was sickening. She turned back to the male before her, trying not to think about it anymore. If she did, she too would be torn apart.

She soothed herself with Conor’s aggression; if someone as seemingly peaceful as he could harbour such intense emotions, perhaps it was not strange that she also felt the same way. She knew she was scrambling for any way to justify her bloodthirst, but knowing there was someone else who felt something similar to what she was feeling helped. It helped a lot, but it also hurt. It pained her to know that the one luperci she could share this with was the son of the man she hated so much. It pained her to know her children, too, her products of this monster, and would soon be children of another monster, too. She felt intense regret at these thoughts and wondered how her children would ever forgive her: for what she thought and what she wanted to do.

Conor spoke again and Tayui nodded in response. She blinked, trying to refocus her attention to the conversation at hand. She did not know Gabriel had been the one to kill Haku; however, she supposed it felt right. She had wished Kaena would have gotten that honour, after what Haku had done to her. But she supposed having her son exact revenge was somewhat satisfying. She didn’t know how Kaena could live with ‘somewhat satisfying,’ though – even she was struggling with it. Though, knowing that someone in Inferni had killed the bastard helped a little. She almost smiled.

“I didn’t,” she replied. “That’s good,” she said distantly. “There were many who would have liked to kill him themselves though,” she added as an afterthought.

We call that concise.

Tayui nodded when Conor spoke, glad he agreed. She supposed it must have been hard knowing the former leader of his pack and his father was such a monster that all of the creatures in these lands despised him. They would continue despising Haku Soul for a long time to come. Tayui knew she would always return to this anger that boiled deep within her and recognize that Haku's actions caused something in her to change. Everything she thought about herself was different now that her daughter had been murdered by her own father. There was still pain and Haku's death brought only a sliver of vengeance. There was so much more Tayui wanted.

"Perhaps," she replied, half in agreement and half in opposition. Haku was dead, but her memories were alive. She was not sated and she knew she would continue along a path of destruction until she was. But there was no way to subdue her vengeance. It was real and Tayui was hungry to hate. She needed a scapegoat, something, anything. "His death can only satisfy so much," she added quietly. If Conor had a right to know what Haku had done, he also had a right to know what Tayui would do. She only hoped this would not turn them into enemies one day.

Done?

She knew he had to say it and she knew she didn't believe it, so why was she even acknowledging it? She supposed she wanted to keep up appearances, but if she really had, she wouldn't have warned Conor. So why was she nodding, as if she agreed with him? She abruptly shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She knew what she wanted and she knew no amount of kind words and soft smiles would help it. She knew.

"One day," she promised him. "Hopefully I will see you again under better circumstances," she added. There was certainly no reason not to be optimistic. She could afford it, just once, just this one time. She also owed it to Conor after delivering such heartbreaking news. She suspected when they had been younger, Conor and Noir could have easily gotten along as friends, even if they had not known their damned blood ties. It was a sad truth and a sad possibility. Tayui wished so many things could have come true, but it was the past and it would never be so again.