I want you to make me feel
#1
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December 4. Also, I wasn't sure where Dawali lived, so I left it vague!

After talking with Theodoric, she knew she had to seek out Dawali. It was time to tell him — not necessarily about everything, but enough to explain things. She owed it to him to say goodbye before she left, but she did not feel obligated to tell him everything that was going on in her life. There were some parts of herself she did not want him to know. She would rather he remember her fondly than think of her as the mess and the monster she had become. As with her discussion with Conor, she would still keep up appearances, but it was more for her own sake than anyone else's.


She found her way to the Kalona's living quarters quickly, but nonetheless dreading the conversation. With every step, her heart grew heavier: she loved it here, so why was she leaving? Ever since the Shadows packs, this had been her home, and for two years no less. Dawali had been the father her children had needed, so how could she just abandon him and the tribe? Tayui stopped walking and turned around, looking over her shoulder to where she had come. She hated leaving and she hated the horrible sinking feeling in her stomach. She hated how much this hurt and she hated how she couldn't even cry. She shook her head and then continued walking, picking her way through the AniWayan lands in the lupus form.


Once she reached Dawali's home, she called out quietly: "Dawali? Chief? Are you there?" She could only hope he would answer.

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#2
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Ever since winter had arrived, Dawali would sit inside his hut during the day-time and ponder what to do. Often, his hands would work mechanically at some form of woven creation, if only to have something to do, and that was what he was doing when a familiar voice broke through to him inside. His structure was hardly solid, with many holes here and there, and it was not hard at all to hear her right outside. Quickly untangling his fingers, Dawali rose and exited his hut, with smile on his face to welcome her. However he quickly realized, upon studying her face for a little moment, that this was perhaps no friendly stop-by, but something else. Nevertheless, he smiled at her and acted as if no such realization had come to him, assuming that his assumptions were incorrect, as they often were. "Tayui! Come on in, if you want. I wasn't expecting anyone, so I hope you don't mind the mess." "The mess" was limited to the half-woven carpets and clothing littering the floor; they served for soft footing if no other purpose. With one russet arm he held the opening to his hut open, invitingly.
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#3
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334

She nodded quietly in response, but chose not to comment immediately. She offered him a grateful smile, trying to muster as much warmth as she could spare in these cold winter nights. The pack gathering had been wonderful, but it had also continued her contemplations. Her mind was quickly spiralling out of control and just when she thought she'd been in time to catch what was left, she had finally admitted to herself what she really wanted and who she really was. Even if she loved Dawali in her own way, she could not stay here. Perhaps if there had been something more between them she could have healed, or if there had been a spark she could have started a fire. But he was her children's dad (plain and simple) while Haku was their 'father'. She hated thinking that and she hated knowing she could not stay. It hurt, even as she entered the Kalona's abode, taking note of the few items strewn about. She shook her head, smiling, trying to convey what she felt through simple actions. Like warmth, she struggled to convey real, honest feelings now — everything hurt.

Her bones ached and she felt so tired from living and existing. She was growing older now and even though she had not yet reached old age for luperci, she knew the tragedy of Noir's death had taken its toll on her. The grief had stolen away precious years and she hated it. Most of all, she hated herself — but that would have to wait.

"Thank you," she replied. She took a few more steps and sat down. She waited a moment to let Dawali gather himself, not wanting to rush this. "Dawali, there is... something I need to tell you." She let out a heavy sigh, wishing it were not so and wishing it were not true. Why couldn't she just be happy here? What was wrong with AniWaya that made her hurt so much? She just wanted to feel alive again.


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#4
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She returned a quick smile and entered; Dawali closed his hut's opening ('door' was hardly a fitting word for it) and followed, finding her sitting down already. He sat as well. Clearly, she was uncomfortable, and the Chief felt a sting of remorse at seeing her in that way. It only reminded him too much of their last meeting. They had rarely met in the past year and a half, and when they did it was more often over her children than anything else. And as the children one by one moved elsewhere or ...disappeared, so had his own presence around the Aston family home. It was not fair to anyone, and he didn't know why it had gone down the way it had. Different theories, answers to the obvious question, spun in his head as she spoke, fearing that Claudius, too, had gone missing now. Would this woman never catch a break? Her children were everywhere, and her sister had left her. It seemed to him that little sunshine had reached her lately. "What is it, Tayui?" He spoke softly, and the close walls of his home hushed the words further. He was not entirely certain that he would like to hear the answer, for if further miseries had befallen her... he would not know what to do or how to react anymore. He just hoped that her heavy heart was due to something simpler than what he had seen before.

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#5
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She had never been able to let her friends down easy; she just didn't know how to soften the blow or make her words hurt any less. No matter how she phrased it, the truth would remain and she could never figure out how to re-arrange her words without changing the factual truth. She had come to Dawali to tell him the truth and although she tried to think of a good way to say it — was there even a good way to tell someone you were leaving? — she couldn't think of anything.

She looked away, trying to gather her thoughts, but in the end the result was the same: she would tell him the truth despite the heavy regrets that weighed down on her heart. She turned her gaze back the the Kalona, now unable to muster even a small smile. He had been there for her when she had asked, but it had been her mistake not to come to him sooner. This was her fault. She could not make amends.

"I am leaving AniWaya," she stated. But an annendum: "this has been my home for two years and you my Chief too. But my place is no longer here. I will be leaving to hopefully join Anathema, in Halcyon Mountain." She stopped, not wanting to overwhelm him. Certainly, he would have questions.

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#6
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In one aspect, he nearly wished to sigh with relief when she told him. Why, it was much better than what he had expected. What had he expected? Horrid news along the lines of Noir's death, more miseries following the Aston family. It seemed to him that this litter - it was cursed. Océane was gone, Attila seemed not to want much contact, Noir was dead and Claudius was a strange, strange child. Well, not a child any longer, but still. The Amara wanted nothing more than to see them all united again as they had been when the children were younger and he would teach them things their father should have taught them. But that was a year ago, and everything was different. He nodded. "We haven't spoken much, but I still feel like I know you, Tayui. I trust you know what is best for yourself, but know that you will be missed dearly." He hesitated. "Anathema... this is another new pack?" He had not yet heard of them. But the mountains.. they were to the north, were they not? Another distant pack he expected they would see little of. Distant friends were one thing, but he rarely visited Inferni anymore. If he had his facts straight, this Anathema pack would reside not far from them.


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#7
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Tayui nodded, agreeing completely with Dawali’s statement. Oh, she knew him, too; not as well as she would have liked, but she understood him a bit. She liked to think that he played a special role in her children’s development, but wasn’t sure how to express this. Instead, she nodded quietly, accepting his words for what they were. It did not bother her to say that others were correct; she knew Claudius would have hated to admit it, but it did not damage or harm her pride in any way. She knew Claudius hated being wrong and loved to be the only one with the correct answer. It could get pretty annoying sometimes.

“I’ll miss you too, and AniWaya as a whole. I’ve lived here and experienced so much,” she replied. She felt like she was gushing. She wasn’t. “It’s strange to think I’m leaving, but I can’t stay. I need to go back to the mountain. Anathema’s a new pack being formed, with… different ideals. I just need to figure things out and I think this might help me.” She punctuated this statement with a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. She would get the hang of these things soon.

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#8
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WC: 334
I have returned with a slightly longer post average. It is merely a crazy coincidence that SSWM seems to have started Wink


She didn't object him, and he hoped it was because she understood what was behind what he had said. They were not as close as they could have been - perhaps should have been - but there was a mutual understanding on some level, and they had both felt the impact of the different struggles of the Aston family in their own way. Naturally, Dawali could never understand the femme's position, nor would it be comparable to his own in his relation to them all, but something was there, and it did not necessarily need words. She spoke what he had said in a different package, mirroring his statement. He could see it was a loss to herself as well, but she would know better than him. He also knew better than to object grown females who had made up their minds. Nodding decidedly, he kept her eye contact and spoke calmly, though something in his mannerisms stressed his words. "Just know that you can always return here, as friend and family, no matter which pack you run with." It was important to him that she remembered what he told her, for he meant them.


The mountains, eh? It had to be north, then, for they were the only proper mountains he knew. Dawali did not like mountains, did not trust them, and hoped perhaps that they did not claim the higher grounds of it. Else it might become very difficult for him to visit. There was little to comment on it, really. "I hope they are not so different from us that I cannot visit, though?" Who knew, stranger things had happened. Often, though, visitors with family or friends in a pack were not denied. Perhaps if you were related to the wrong people, some might turn you down, but he had not experienced it so far. "Claudius... will he be going with you?" Claudius was grown now, but he was family, and he could just as much follow his mother as stay.


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#9
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203.

Tayui nodded quickly when Dawali spoke. She was somewhat surprised at his offer, but tried to take it in stride. Even though she was taken aback by his obvious kindness and generosity, she tried to look grateful since she was. She was glad to have Dawali as a friend.

“Thank you,” she replied quickly and a little quieter than she would have hoped. She glanced up to catch the Chief’s eyes, hoping to add another thank you, but couldn’t quite manage it. When Dawali wondered if he could visit, Tayui quickly replied: “you’re welcome to visit! As long as you respect their borders, I’m sure Naniko won’t mind.” She punctuated this with a small smile, though it quickly faded like all of her smiles lately.

When Dawali questioned her about Claudius, she had to look away. She shook her head slowly and closed her eyes for a moment to get her bearings. “No, he’ll be staying here,” she replied. She lifted her head a bit and tilted it, watching the Chief out of the corner of her eye. “He was rather upset when I told him I’d be leaving. He feels like his whole family is abandoning him.” And then: cue the guilt.

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#10
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WC: 410


She nodded quickly and he didn't say anything more on that subject. The russet male hoped she already knew and assumed she would be welcome here, but hearing such things from the Chief could help clarify. Better if there was no doubt if doubt could make her never visit them. He simply smiled at her as she thanked him. It did appear that she wanted to say something more, however no words came. Dawali trusted her, as he trusted all tribesmembers and his friends, to tell him in time if there ever was anything important to say. "Oh, Naniko is their leader? Well, I suppose there are quite a few known faces in that pack for me to visit, then," he smiled. He'd met Naniko, though only once, when she brought her daughter Brooklyn to visit Tayui. It had been a pleasant enough experience, and it was unlikely that he would have remember hadn't it been for the pup's presence. They made such strong and lingering impressions on the male, and he was not always as good at remembering his encounters otherwise. The more known faces in a pack, the more safe he felt approaching them. As of now it was only Inferni and Cercatori d'Arte where he did not know more than one face; and that would change, he was determined.


She seemed upset at his question, and he regretted momentarily that he had asked it. Still, she replied, and it appeared to Dawali that this change of scenery that Tayui was seeking was perhaps hurting her more than she might gain. Still, she would be closer to parts of her family which she had not lived close by for some time. Perhaps it was what she needed, but looking at her, the Chief had his doubts. "You get used to seeing the same faces every day, I suppose. He's a grown wolf now, and I'm sure he can come to realize that now that he takes care of himself, you must too," he offered, hoping it might console her somewhat. It was some time since the Aston kids were old enough to care for themselves, but living still with your parents could give the wrong impression of the world. If families were to follow the pattern in this place, pups or parents would separate and change packs as soon as the pups were grown. It was not like AniWaya, but then again little was here, he had found.


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#11
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526.

She nodded quickly when Dawali repeated Naniko’s name, glad he was repeating it back to her. If he said it again, he would remember it should he choose to visit. She wasn’t too sure how Anathema handled trespassers or wolves wandering near the borders. When she had led Shadowed Sun, they had been willing to invite loners in to share their books, but hunting was obviously forbidden on claimed lands. She had never thought anything bad would come of it; however, she supposed she couldn’t take Skoll’s death as an example of that. It had nothing to do with their open borders policy – it had been a ghost from his past determined to take revenge. Somehow, those words sounded so much like her situation. She hoped she would not be the one to destroy a good wolf’s life because of her desire for vengeance.

She blinked and refocused her attention back to Dawali. She had zoned out for a few seconds, which was natural, but she was trying not to do it too often. She didn’t want to make her friends suspect something was wrong with her, or that she was relapsing to her bad habits.

When Dawali spoke again, she found herself nodding again in agreement and a bit in resentment. She wasn’t sure what or whom she resented: perhaps Claudius for thinking she was abandoning him, or even herself for doing the abandonment. She just didn’t know.

At the same time, the Kalona was right; he was two years old and he could make these decisions for himself. She knew she was partly to blame for his clinginess; she had coddled him when her other children left. Now, he was so afraid of abandonment and of change that she suspected one day he would just break down from the stress. She wanted to help him, for she truly did love him, but she truly hoped he might gain some independence living in AniWaya on his own. She just didn’t know what to do anymore and she hoped Dawali could help both of them in his own way. She would soak up any advice he had now since she doubted she would see him again soon, if at all. She would miss him and she could only hope Claudius would get to know Dawali better in her absence.

“You’re right,” she replied with a sigh. She shook her head in an attempt to try and figure out how to express herself. “He’s old enough, certainly, but… he learned things other children never did and at the same time, missed out on a lot of things. Could you just… keep an eye out for him? I don’t know if he’ll come to you, but I can only hope he’ll try.” She finished with a small, heh, before shrugging slightly. She was somewhat at a loss, but she knew she had to have hope. If she wanted her son to succeed, she had to believe in him: that was a mother’s job, after all. And she really did believe he could succeed on his own. He was strong enough – he would just have to find his strength.


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