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Her heart ticked, in a silence she wasn't familiar with. Though the rest of her ached. Anu walked slowly, though the worlds moved like a whirlwind around her. Two footpaws touched the fresh snow, though not deep it covered her toes like air light sand. Looking down on it she let her mind flout, wondering when it would all jut melt away. Focus, her mind scolded. Looking up at the path that led from Haven Mansion to their den. Anu hadn’t found her anywhere else, in the pass few days she felt like she had been everywhere, and not once had she ran into the fey.
Determined to resolve the conflict that resided between them, and more largely within her own soul, Anu walked with a light step. Since they had fought Anu was consistently unsettled, unnerved and unsure. But as she wandered toward the cave’s mouth it was only the muscle of her heart that was uneasy, though its beat was steady and propelled her ever further. She would need forgiveness, for her absence and her brashness, but Anu had started her own path of forgiveness. Her hands no longer clung to the image of Haven, Salem, Mati and Brooklyn as helpless children, and he no longer held her in constant fear for them.
The mouth of the cave was suddenly upon her, opening up to shallow her whole. She stopped, but only to take one last courage gaining breath. A second could hardly pass before she was moving once again. Dipping her head into the shadow that the entrance created Anu spoke, her voice even and holding confidence that surprised her.
Nani?
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She hadn't been sure if returning to the cave was a good idea. She didn't want to fight with Anu or argue with her any more about the pups or anything else--she felt exhausted. Even if Anu did come back and wanted to fight, she doubted that she would be able to come up with anything to say. It felt like they had already said everything that they had needed to. They had different viewpoints, and that was that. But couldn't they disagree on something and still be together? They'd never had a fight before this... Maybe that was the problem. They didn't know how to act when they were mad with each other. It had been a while since their fight, and Naniko wasn't angry about anything any more...but she still held a strange, awkward feeling. She wasn't sure how Anu felt, though. Her heart began beating faster and faster as she heard approaching footsteps in the snow. Was it one of the pups? She had run into Salem and the others on occasion, and saw them at night time...but there was something that sounded different about these footfalls. Then she heard Anu's voice. Her head came up, jade eyes searching for the entrance. "I'm in here."
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Though it might not have been, it felt like ages since they had come together. The imaginary time had placed a wedge between them. And as she looked into the green eyes that greeted her at the cave’s entrance she felt her chest tighten. Her light steps were suddenly heavy and forced.
Looking to the white wolfess, Anu remembered their last conversation, a conflict that she had replayed over and over again in her head. Though she had come to realize that it wasn’t her right to keep them from Conri, she still felt the need to do so. It wasn’t just that they disagreed on when they should know, or if they should at all. There was always the unsettling thought that Naniko still trusted him, and that Anu had left him unharmed.
Her throat was tight as she gazed over the alabaster fey. Her coat gleamed in the dim light of the shadowed cave. Taking a few steps forward, Anu let herself stand beyond the threshold. Untwisting her tongue she gave a uneasy, Hey. letting the greeting linger Anu noticed the same unease in Nani that she felt herself.
I’m sorry. She just felt like she needed to apologize, for everything that she couldn't even describe. Her tone was low, but the things that lingered beneath it started to breach the surface. Another moment of silence, and Anu grew the courage to speak again. This isn’t right, is it? The question fell from her lips, and Anu couldn’t help but look from the other wolfess' gaze. Weaker then she ever wanted to be, Anu could hardly manage to bring her eyes back to Nani’s face.
Finally lifting her eyes, she thought of the times it had felt so right and how different it had come to be.
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This was something that she knew would happen eventually. She had been scared before, nervous of seeing Anu again...but those feelings had passed. She was tired of feeling stressed out over this, tired of everything. Why couldn't both of them just be happy with the way that things were, and accept how each other felt? She didn't know why it had to be so hard. "No...it's not. We should be happier than this. Even if we fight...it shouldn't be like this. This is too hard."
She shrugged, looking to the side, at the cave wall. She felt strangely calm. "Maybe we need some time apart." She could see the benifit to that; if she and Anu were meant to be together, then they would end up together in the end. "We can try again if it feels better later...but right now it's just hurting both of us."
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It seemed that Anu wasn’t the only one constantly thinking about everything that had happened between them. She wasn’t the only one searching for peace of mind. She had expected to explain herself, confess any sin that had occurred, even beg for forgiveness. But those feels had passed. As she listened to the words that Naniko spoke, a great relief shadowed her.
There was no anger, no tears and most importantly no yelling or screaming. Nani was right, as Anu believed she usually was, they needed time. Maybe just to find themselves again. Anu knew she was certainly lost, her mind was a raging sea of emotion and more often than not she was drowning. She didn’t want to hurt Nani, that had never been her intention. But Anu felt that pain as well, and she would suddenly do anything to stop it.
Anu wanted to say something, to give both of them hope that things would return to what it had been. But nothing came to her lips. Her thoughts went to the pups, which were really no longer pups but young wolves soon to be experiencing their optime forms and venturing further and further from home. She silently confirmed that they would still be hers, at least as much as she had always felt they were.
She wanted to smile, to show that she was in agreement with her. They needed to time. But she could only give a small nod and a tone that held no resentment. I think so too... Maybe when it feels right again. It had felt so right, but Anu couldn’t find that in her, at least right now. Not since a seed had been planted in her, one of distrust and guilt.
I’ll stay in the manor. Anu would still be there, for Nani as well as the rest of the pack. She would be able to find her easily, and if she called for her, Anu would answer.
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