the wind at my heels

Sage River Lykoi · 08-30-2011, 02:15 PM

Quote:Alright! Like I told you on AIM, your writing is really not all that bad, but there are a couple things that you would do well to pay closer attention to as you write.

Commas: I notice that you don't use very many of them! Commas are to be used in your sentences in the same place that, when speaking, you would would pause briefly. It helps a lot if you read your posts back to yourself (out loud or in your head-- out loud might help you sound it out, though!) before you submit them.

There are loads of rules for commas, and I am only going into basics here, but this page describes all of the rules for using commas in your sentences.

In your very first sentence there is a great opportunity to make use of a couple of commas. So, for example, if you were to read this first sentence without the proper pauses that it should have, it would sound very strange and rushed as you spoke it.

You have:

Quote:Shadow not realizing it was early afternoon woke up to the smell of a dead animal.

Where there should be commas:

Quote:Shadow, not realizing it was early afternoon, woke up to the smell of a dead animal.

Already, this sentence sounds better because of the addition of a couple of commas. Punctuation is very helpful in writing, because without it our words might lack the emotion that we are trying to portray. You should be sure before submitting your posts that all of your sentences start with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark (whether it be a period, exclamation point, or question mark).

I notice a couple of places where you also use periods incorrectly. Remember, periods are used to separate 2 different thoughts-- if the string of sentences represents the same line of thought, then there should be a way to combine them into a smaller sentence, which would be easier to read in most cases.

Like here, for example, you say:

Quote:Only a couple days ago he caught the sent of her. To find out her sent vanished with the previous rain this land has gotten.

But this could easily be condensed into only one sentence by saying:

Quote:Only a couple days ago he had caught scent of his sister, only to have the trail vanish with the rain the previous night.

Another thing I notice you doing is confusing the proper use of certain words. It seems you have gotten a few words that sound the same mixed up in your writing. You got the spelling of these words right, though!

For example, you say:

Quote:He rushed to it and started drinking until his heart was contempt.

Now, the word contempt is a negative term, used to describe a state of loathing or hatred. What I think you meant, though, was content, which is a positive, satisfied emotion.

You also do this with sent and scent. When it involves the nose and smelling things, you want to use scent. "Only a couple days ago he caught the sent scent of her."

I hope this info gives you some basic things to go off of, but remember: always read through your posts before submitting them. If you do this, then you can fix a lot of these easy, common errors by yourself! :]

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Sage relaxed lazily on the broad, bare back of her stallion as he drank. The process was slow, and the coyote was sure that her horse had nearly drank the entire pond dry before the noisy slurping subsided. Golden eyes opened to the silence, the warm rays of the sun streaming down from above, catching her in the eyes and briefly blinding her. She squinted and blinked hard, sitting up and straddling the horse properly once again. His thirst was quenched, and so they could move on.

Thin legs pressed gently into Lennon's sides, urging him into a slow gentle lope through the small patch of bushes that led away from the pond. As his footsteps fell into the soft grass beyond one low hedge, Sage's head turned and with a gasp she jerked Lennon away, pulling him to a stuttering halt. A dark wolf lay nearly hidden in the shade of the brush, curled and asleep, and quiet as can be. Wide golden eyes stared shocked as she gasped out a frantic apology. "Oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry, sir; we nearly trampled you!"

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