the wind at my heels

Sage River Lykoi · 08-22-2011, 08:39 PM

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Word Count :: 273 :: For Edward Yvon with Shadow. I'll be using this character for this thread. Set in the early afternoon. Smile

They crawled across the open countryside at a slow, easy pace. Sage was in no hurry, and Lennon had picked up on it, the stallion's large feet shuffling heavily through the thick grass. Her horse was large, and carried her small frame with ease. Alert golden eyes followed the skyline, though she sought nothing in particular; a beautiful day was ahead of her, and she longed for nothing but to bask in it.

Lately her days of taking in the Earth Mother's great creations had grown fewer, and she craved the wind in her hair and the smell of dirt and growth around her. A slow, quiet breeze crept across the oddly silhouetted pair, and suddenly Sage wanted more. Lithe calf muscles squeezed Lennon's bare sides gently, and he sprung into a steady trot easily. Leaning forward, the girl settled into his movements and urged him on across the open plane. Whatever there was to see out here, she wanted to see it all.

Small hills rose and fell with Lennon's heavy, yet graceful steps, and Sage's red-striped nose turned into the wind, taking in all of it's scent, greedy for the smell. In her state of euphoria, Sage hardly noticed as they approached a small pond, settled by a fair clump of thick bushes gathered amidst the otherwise lonely plane. She'd nearly passed the pool of water when Lennon whinnied in frustration. Shaking her head, she turned and, noticing it now, happily steered him towards it. If her friend wanted water, he would have it.

Stopping beside the still pond, she stretched her limbs slowly as her companion drank his fill.

Shadow Kenon · 08-24-2011, 08:33 PM

Shadow not realizing it was early afternoon woke up to the smell of a dead animal. As his stomach turned he remembered that he hasn't eaten for what seemed like weeks but only a couple of days. running northeast to the sent of the dead Shadow finally had the ability to have some kind of food in his body, even if a little. Ripping piece by piece shadow kept on eating until he was ready to burst. Finally after walking for another couple of hours Shadow finally reached a small pond of water. As he crept up to see if any one or thing was drinking from the pond itself to find out it was clear of all animals. He rushed to it and started drinking until his heart was contempt.

Laying and watching the clouds go by, made him think about Star and how she was doing. Only a couple days ago he caught the sent of her. To find out her sent vanished with the previous rain this land has gotten. Another thought popped and he realized that if Star some how made it through the time of need, then possibly so could his older sister and brother. Thinking about that made shadow think on how life could have been if mom and dad didn't die between the wars that went on outside of any territory. To think that no pack had the guts to come and help any of them. Upon thinking of all this Shadow fell asleep enjoying the fresh smell of the air and the quietness of the land. Off to the distant though he could here small but yet heavy footsteps coming closer but before he could investigate he fell into a long awaited sleep. behind a couple of bushes where shade was provided and a breeze going by.

Sage River Lykoi · 08-30-2011, 02:15 PM

Quote:Alright! Like I told you on AIM, your writing is really not all that bad, but there are a couple things that you would do well to pay closer attention to as you write.

Commas: I notice that you don't use very many of them! Commas are to be used in your sentences in the same place that, when speaking, you would would pause briefly. It helps a lot if you read your posts back to yourself (out loud or in your head-- out loud might help you sound it out, though!) before you submit them.

There are loads of rules for commas, and I am only going into basics here, but this page describes all of the rules for using commas in your sentences.

In your very first sentence there is a great opportunity to make use of a couple of commas. So, for example, if you were to read this first sentence without the proper pauses that it should have, it would sound very strange and rushed as you spoke it.

You have:

Quote:Shadow not realizing it was early afternoon woke up to the smell of a dead animal.

Where there should be commas:

Quote:Shadow, not realizing it was early afternoon, woke up to the smell of a dead animal.

Already, this sentence sounds better because of the addition of a couple of commas. Punctuation is very helpful in writing, because without it our words might lack the emotion that we are trying to portray. You should be sure before submitting your posts that all of your sentences start with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark (whether it be a period, exclamation point, or question mark).

I notice a couple of places where you also use periods incorrectly. Remember, periods are used to separate 2 different thoughts-- if the string of sentences represents the same line of thought, then there should be a way to combine them into a smaller sentence, which would be easier to read in most cases.

Like here, for example, you say:

Quote:Only a couple days ago he caught the sent of her. To find out her sent vanished with the previous rain this land has gotten.

But this could easily be condensed into only one sentence by saying:

Quote:Only a couple days ago he had caught scent of his sister, only to have the trail vanish with the rain the previous night.

Another thing I notice you doing is confusing the proper use of certain words. It seems you have gotten a few words that sound the same mixed up in your writing. You got the spelling of these words right, though!

For example, you say:

Quote:He rushed to it and started drinking until his heart was contempt.

Now, the word contempt is a negative term, used to describe a state of loathing or hatred. What I think you meant, though, was content, which is a positive, satisfied emotion.

You also do this with sent and scent. When it involves the nose and smelling things, you want to use scent. "Only a couple days ago he caught the sent scent of her."

I hope this info gives you some basic things to go off of, but remember: always read through your posts before submitting them. If you do this, then you can fix a lot of these easy, common errors by yourself! :]

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Sage relaxed lazily on the broad, bare back of her stallion as he drank. The process was slow, and the coyote was sure that her horse had nearly drank the entire pond dry before the noisy slurping subsided. Golden eyes opened to the silence, the warm rays of the sun streaming down from above, catching her in the eyes and briefly blinding her. She squinted and blinked hard, sitting up and straddling the horse properly once again. His thirst was quenched, and so they could move on.

Thin legs pressed gently into Lennon's sides, urging him into a slow gentle lope through the small patch of bushes that led away from the pond. As his footsteps fell into the soft grass beyond one low hedge, Sage's head turned and with a gasp she jerked Lennon away, pulling him to a stuttering halt. A dark wolf lay nearly hidden in the shade of the brush, curled and asleep, and quiet as can be. Wide golden eyes stared shocked as she gasped out a frantic apology. "Oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry, sir; we nearly trampled you!"

Shadow Kenon · 10-06-2011, 09:49 PM

Wide eyes open, to find the sun looking straight back at him. Then realized the immediate apology from above. There was a horse far taller then Shadow, from what it looked like a human. Then Shadow realized that humans where instinct but was he dreaming now. Shadow has never seen a wolf like this one riding a horse. He never thought a horse was able to ride. From the point of the sun he could tell he completely over slept, it was about two o'clock. Shadow in the past has done a bunch of reading about the human time keeping, from the books and clocks they left behind. Shadow rose to his feet.

"Its fine don't worry about it. It was about time I got up anyhow. I don't see many wolves riding horses, well in all reality never seen one to begin with, But anyways I have been tracking a sent. It was vibrant before the sent dispersed here. I am guessing the rain we had removed it. Maybe you can help?"

The scenario was nice but even then there was that lost of hope on his face. Shadow has been searching for his little sister for months but only following a scent that is now lost.

Sage River Lykoi · 10-15-2011, 06:12 PM

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Glad to see your reply, Edward!

I notice you're still making some simple mistakes, like confusing has, the present form of have with had, the past form. Past tense is always the way to go at 'Souls! :3 It looks like you've got it down in some parts of your writing, but have trouble in others. For example, you say "wide eyes open", where it should be "wide eyes opened".

Also, where you say "He never thought a horse was able to ride", I think you mean, "He never thought a horse could "be ridden".

Maybe they are typos, since you did spell it correctly once, but I notice you using "sent" in place of "scent" a few times in this post as well. Again, these are simple mistakes and can easily be corrected if you double-check your posts!

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Sage ushered Lennon some feet away from the rising four-legged wolf, not wanting her steed's large hooves to harm the stranger. The pastel stallion's head bobbed as his wide eyes watched the monochrome wolf. A tanned hand reached out to stroke the side of his face, calming him with gentle words in murmuring Low speech. Lilted eyes moved slowly from her steed to find the stranger's yellow ones as he spoke to her.

Since the rain, Sage hadn't seen any wolves; even if the one he sought had been around, she wouldn't have known. She averted her eyes sadly and shook her head. "I'm afraid I haven't seen many wolves recently," she said in a low, somber tone. She'd been spending more time in Inferni, lately, though she was glad to get out. "But what does your friend look like? I travel a lot, maybe I've seen them before...?" Her mind reeled again in thought, comparing his looks to those she'd remembered seeing recently; she failed to think of any, but if he wasn't looking for a relative, it wouldn't matter anyways.

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