Coli's facade had crumbled, and now she was babbling, the words tumbling unbidden from her lips. When she got scared, sometimes she could not stop talking, even if she would regret the things she admitted to. When she could finally stem the nervous stammering, she dimly perceived that Saul had edged closer to her, and was trying to comfort her. She wanted to assure him that she was fine, it was just a momentary lapse of control. But she couldn't, and it would have been a lie. This breakdown was a long time coming. She needed someone to know. Coli felt his hand gently touch her foot, and she flinched -- not because she feared him or his touch, but because she felt so dirty, so contaminated, that he could be corrupted by her. She had been obsessively washing her hands every time she visited the lake shore, trying to cleanse herself as the paranoia progressed. But now... someone knew her secret. It was not her burden to bear alone anymore. As much as it humiliated her, there was a sense of relief seeping through the haze of fear. "It's going to be okay," she exhaled softly, repeating his words to herself. There was no need for panic, the worst was behind her.
...Pregnant?
She froze. Her fingers strayed subconsciously to trace the scar on her chest, the rune, as she tried to process the thought. When she was younger, motherhood was the only thing she had really wanted out of life. Her own childhood had been fractured, tarnished, but she felt like she could improve upon her own experiences, offer a better life to the next generation. But as time went on, she grew lonelier, more bitter, and she forced herself to give up on that dream. What did she have to offer children, anyway? The Soul bloodline had dark potential, and without a mate to help her, to balance out her weaknesses... well, it wasn't worth the risk. She didn't even know if it was possible for her to conceive; a part of her suspected all along she might be infertile, since her weak and irregular estrus had all but stopped in recent seasons. And now... she might be carrying pups after all? The rune Miskunn had given her, it meant a great many things, but the one word that she could not forget was... fertility. She gazed down at her stomach, noticing for the first time how it had filled out in the weeks since the assault. The weight she had gained despite not eating... It filled her with wildly conflicting emotions: it was a miracle, she would be a mother after all, even though she was nearly six years old and never had a mate, never loved a male; it was terrifying, she was bearing the children of a monster, who could very well be little monsters themselves, and no one could save her from them.
Hesitantly, Coli reached out, deliberately touching Saul's hand with her trembling fingers. "P... please tell me," she whispered, consenting to his examination. There was no way she could escape this, she had to know. Her mind flashed on a remedy Deuce had taught her, one she never thought she would have a use for. Tansy, the golden flowers or the leaves, could make a tea that was toxic in large doses -- but in small doses, it could be used to... to safely end a pregnancy. She bit her lip, discordant thoughts clamoring so violently she could barely think straight. Did she want to be pregnant? What if Saul told her he was wrong after all, it was something else making her ill...? Would she be relieved, or heartbroken? This could be her only chance to be a mother -- scratch that, it was her only chance. She was too afraid of men to ever choose to lay with one, and even if she could stomach it, there was no guarantee she could conceive. But if there was a litter growing inside her, the black dog had promised to return for them... She took a shuddering breath, trying to calm herself as she clasped the Stormbringer's hand, awaiting his verdict. "I... I've been so queasy, especially when I first wake up... and dizzy whenever I stand up, or walk... and m-my joints, they ache, especially my ankles... does that all...?" she trailed off, unsure what she was even asking. She couldn't really be pregnant, could she? Wouldn't she have known already? Wasn't it supposed to be feminine instinct?