Coli passively allowed Saul access to examine her, his gentle white hands exploring her bare stomach the same way they had explored the leaves of their garden, seeking palpable signals to respond to. The sunlight had felt so warm on her shoulders mere moments before, but now there was cold dread coiling within her, anticipation rising like bile in her throat with each probe from his fingers. What did she want him to say? Both possibilities could crush her. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, her window of opportunity had been two summers ago when she was in love and happy. She could have been a mother then, and it would have been a peaceful and wonderful experience. But everything kept unraveling since those halcyon days. The one consolation she could cling to was that now she had Vinátta, so she did not have to suffer as a lone wolf any more. But if she wasn't with child, then what was poisoning her body? It kept getting worse, as though she could be dying from the inside out. Was that really a better alternative? She was so very tired. Perhaps it would be tranquil, falling asleep and never waking up. She might not be capable of creating life at all, only death. She found herself gripping the wooden pendant around her neck, the little carved hammer that Saul had given her when they settled here. Whatever the verdict was, she needed the support of something greater than herself.
I'm sorry Coli... but you are pregnant.
A soft whine escaped her lips as all doubt was expelled. She nodded once in resignation, swallowing audibly as a shudder chased down her spine. She had been close to tears before she knew, but now that the truth was exposed, there was a hollow quality to her defeated expression. She was officially, and undeniably, pregnant. Before the summer's end, she would give birth to the black dog's offspring. "You can't tell anyone." It was both a command and a plea, though she knew how foolish it was to be prideful now. How long could she keep this hidden? Even if she concealed her body, hormones were already changing her scent, and eventually the puppies would be born for all to see... "There... there might be a threat... the dog, the... father... said he would return if I was knocked up. He might take them." They were his harsh words, and he had spoken more cruel taunts to goad her, but she could only repeat them in that dull, broken voice. The only hint of an inflection was the ironic twist to her lips when she struggled to spit the word 'father'. Whatever had splintered the recesses of the black dog's mind made him revel in the suffering of others. The thought of seeing him return, his dark soulless eyes filled with amusement when he learned he had utterly dominated her body after all, it made her feel nauseated. If there was truth to the rumor about his mirrored personality, perhaps it was the only reason he had not returned already to stalk her. She did not want to think about why he wanted their pups.
Coli warily touched her abdomen, feeling for the first time that there could be new lives hidden within it. It was good she had not had the energy to shift forms, recognizing now that it would have endangered them. Did that mean she wanted to risk keeping them? "Can you tell... how many? Wh... what gender...?" she asked faintly, uncertain if that was possible even for a healer. There would be so much responsibility. She could barely keep herself fed, and now there would be little mouths relying on her-! She was starting to panic, digging her claws into the plush fur of her thighs. It was surreal. Suddenly there was something looming in her near future, and every little moment that slipped by brought her closer to that inevitable conclusion. She was not of sound mind, not fit enough to be a parent, let alone a single parent. Saul and Ezra had done it, but they were so much stronger than her. She ruined everything she touched -- she could ruin their lives, these unborn children. Maybe their tainted blood would not affect them at all, until she corrupted them with her anxieties and phobias and depression and everything else wrong with her. Maybe they would be better off with the dog that sired them, at least half of his mind was good.
Coli released the grip she had on her thighs, noticing how numb she felt all over. It was an oddly detached sensation, some sort of shock, she supposed. Her voice was a whisper when she finally settled on a personal question for the Stormbringer leader. "How did you do it...? Raising Temeraire... you told me your heart was broken before he was born... how did he turn out so well?" And the unspoken followup: Can I do it too? Coli sought out Saul's green eyes, searching desperately for any kind of hope for her. Did he believe this was the right thing to do, to have the pups despite their origin? Did he think Colibri was even capable of being a decent mother? Saul was always honest with her. And he knew that she had already failed at past responsibilities, drowning under the expectations of others. He could give her advice, not just medical advice but some sort of moral guidance. She trusted him as a friend as well as a leader, though she could not even voice exactly why his presence was so calming. It could very well be the simple hobby they both shared, their green thumb. But his time was valuable, and all of the pack needed him to guide them, not just her. She couldn't beg him and Lilin to help her raise the bastard litter... only if she should even attempt to do it by herself. Maybe the humane choice would be to terminate the pregnancy now... then the little souls could never suffer at the hands of their father, or unwittingly at the hands of their unstable mother. Oh, she was such a coward, and this was a whole new kind of fear to face. What was she supposed to do?