07-16-2009, 05:30 AM
[html]I have to say, I love this sentence. You used imagery magnificently and I could definitely see her in my head. :3 This is the one I'm talking about:
"Jezebel set out in lupus form, her fur soft and flowing, it's dark tones blending amongst the tree cast shadows with flashes of the white upon her chest, lower face and inner ears. Her ruby eyes sparkled with the excitement of the run..."
I've had a thread and a half with you now, and I do like your style. I agree with Req, though—while I have a great idea of what Jezebel looks like, a decent idea of her past, and a pretty good grip on her demeanor, I still don't really know how she's feeling about a particular event. Like, here, in this post in the Skylar thread:
“What are one of your family members names? Perhaps we could call them to us to sort this all out,” Jezebel suggested, still radiating distrust and irritation."
I guess... I don't know exactly how to strengthen the demeanor here. Hm. Like, maybe making her narrow her eyes, or put one hand on her hip. Some physical movement to indicate that, and definitely adding more words that have to do with her facial features. Brows furrow in irritation, too. And a great one I read in a book somewhere a really long time ago, when wolves get angry they just show one tooth at whoever is pissing them off! I like that one. X3
And also, instead of suggesting (which indicates she's being friendly or cooperative) she could have demanded of Skylar to know her family member's name, and then said the second part of it pointedly at Kae, which would suggest distrust of Skylar and irritation with her as well. :3
I have had the same problem with some of my characters—like right now I'm having a bit of a patchy time with Kaena because I'm used to playing her so vicious and violent, and the truth is she feels way, massively calmed down, and it's weird to write as a placid Kaena. So I know my descriptive things as far as emotions and features are lacking. It's not just you--I have a hard time putting emotion into Kaena 'cause I'm not really sure how she's feeling most of the time. D:[/html]
"Jezebel set out in lupus form, her fur soft and flowing, it's dark tones blending amongst the tree cast shadows with flashes of the white upon her chest, lower face and inner ears. Her ruby eyes sparkled with the excitement of the run..."
I've had a thread and a half with you now, and I do like your style. I agree with Req, though—while I have a great idea of what Jezebel looks like, a decent idea of her past, and a pretty good grip on her demeanor, I still don't really know how she's feeling about a particular event. Like, here, in this post in the Skylar thread:
“What are one of your family members names? Perhaps we could call them to us to sort this all out,” Jezebel suggested, still radiating distrust and irritation."
I guess... I don't know exactly how to strengthen the demeanor here. Hm. Like, maybe making her narrow her eyes, or put one hand on her hip. Some physical movement to indicate that, and definitely adding more words that have to do with her facial features. Brows furrow in irritation, too. And a great one I read in a book somewhere a really long time ago, when wolves get angry they just show one tooth at whoever is pissing them off! I like that one. X3
And also, instead of suggesting (which indicates she's being friendly or cooperative) she could have demanded of Skylar to know her family member's name, and then said the second part of it pointedly at Kae, which would suggest distrust of Skylar and irritation with her as well. :3
I have had the same problem with some of my characters—like right now I'm having a bit of a patchy time with Kaena because I'm used to playing her so vicious and violent, and the truth is she feels way, massively calmed down, and it's weird to write as a placid Kaena. So I know my descriptive things as far as emotions and features are lacking. It's not just you--I have a hard time putting emotion into Kaena 'cause I'm not really sure how she's feeling most of the time. D:[/html]