My writing

[Jezebel]

I was just wondering if a mentor, or anyone really, could give some feedback on the structure, grammar and overall creativity of my writing. I would really love to improve and to make my characters more dynamic. Just whoever gets to this first let me know if you want me to quote any posts I've made of Jezebel, though I also have a Post Log going in my profile if you don't mind/have the time to look yourself. Thank-you!

[Cwmfen nic Graine]

I would love~~ to do that for you, ^=^

Posting anything here would work for me, but I will look through some of your posts too~

[Jezebel]

Perfect! I've read a lot of your posts and I just love your writing. Here are a couple I just took randomly from two of the threads I'm in:

Jezebel had started to get the hang of clan life quite easily, settling herself amongst the caves by the coast. She had already met a couple other members of Inferni; Ryan whom she had easily gotten along with, and an eccentric girl named Zana. Yet she had still not seen Gabriel since joining, and though they had caught up on much since they had last known each other in the South during their youth, the ashen woman still wanted to know more.

Jezebel set out in lupus form, her fur soft and flowing, it's dark tones blending amongst the tree cast shadows with flashes of the white upon her chest, lower face and inner ears. Her ruby eyes sparkled with the excitement of the run as she sped through the forest of Inferni looking for Gabriel's distinct, and musky scent. She found it everywhere, along each blade of grass and the bark of the trees. She tried to keep track of his freshest scent, wandering towards its source, back towards the caves. The woman slowed to a stop, bones reforming and sinews snapping as her limbs stretched and her form took on more humanoid qualities, until finally she stood straight and shook her dark, wavy hair from her red eyes.

Looking about curiously the curvaceous woman walked slowly froward, scenting the air briefly before pausing and letting loose a low howl for Gabriel, hugging her arms as a light breeze tickled at her shortened fur, her tail starting a slow and rhythmic sway as she awaited for her old friend to answer with a smile in place.

Jezebel had been a part of Inferni now for a couple of weeks and had already easily fallen back into the routine of clan life; a life she had not experienced since she was a yearling, fighting wolves alongside her passion Gabriel and friend Eli. Now she was living it up, falling back into her friendship with Gabriel with ease, a bond which had never left the two in their years apart, and starting her new life amongst the caverns of Inferni. Yet Jezebel knew of course she would not be able to appreciate her new home fully if she left every corner unexplored, so she had set out to explore the eastern area of the clans territory.

Her path eventually led her to a man made building, something she had not seen in quite a while, and she made her away around the mansion with interest. Jezebel breathed in the scents surrounding her, her ears twitching as she sorted through each, deeming what was relevant or not. It was with her next breath that she caught the scent of wolves and clan, her hackles instantly standing at attention, Jezebel crouching close to the ground as she neared another corner of the large house. It was then she picked up the sounds of voices, both female and derisive.

What wolf would be delusional enough to pass such a clear and gruesomely marked border? Peering around the corner the ash and white woman looked upon the scene through a curtain of her dark and wavy hair, the sight of two coyotes, not one, catching her off guard. Straightening her posture Jezebel made herself known to the two others by walking out into the open, looking first towards the woman who was clearly part of the clan, thought not known to Jezebel, then to the coyote-hybrid with the beginnings of a glare as her ears swiveled back.

“And you are?” Jezebel asked the strange girl, letting her lips slip past the tips of her fangs in silent warning, her red gaze flicking towards the older woman in the same questioning--yet not so hostile--gaze.

[Cwmfen nic Graine]

I only grammatically annotated your first quoted post, but I hope that it will help. Also, I think that your posts are great! If you want to help make your character more dynamic, I would focus on adding a lot more characterization to your posts. I don't know much about your char, but I'm going to assume that she is religious. So if you want to emphasize her religion, you can talk about what God means to her and why (in this post in particular) she is looking for Gabriel. I think that it would be appropriate to dedicate a couple sentences to a historical moments that they've shared together.... ^=^ I'll get back to you again tomorrow!

Jezebel had started to get the hang of clan life quite easily, settling herself amongst the caves by the coast. She had already met a couple other members of Inferni; Ryan whom she had easily gotten along with, and an eccentric girl named Zana.

+Instead of a semicolon, I think that a colon would be better. Semicolons separate complete clauses, and a colon in that place can be used to start a list and also place a big pause in the flow of the sentence.

Yet she had still not seen Gabriel since joining, and though they had caught up on much since they had last known each other in the South during their youth, the ashen woman still wanted to know more.

+“yet” and “but” are usually used to introduce a countering statement. But I don’t think that not having seen Gabriel since joining would be countering the previous sentence.

Jezebel set out in lupus form, her fur soft and flowing, it's dark tones blending amongst the tree-cast shadows with flashes of the white upon her chest, lower face and inner ears.

+Maybe just a typo, but it’s=“it is” and its=possessive.
+Instead of “amongst”, maybe “amid”. They are similar in meaning, but not the same... It sounds better to me, ^=^;;
+I put a hyphen between the two words to make it one. It reduces confusion and actually changes the flow and rhythm of the sentence because the reader will know how to read it. It’s the same thing we use with she-wolf.
+I know that you want to describe the places that have white, but the way you do it in this sentence disrupts the flow. I think that it would have a better effect if you just said “...cast shadows with flashes of the white of her pelt.”

Her ruby eyes sparkled with the excitement of the run as she sped through the forest of Inferni looking for Gabriel's distinct, and musky scent.

+The comma is unnecessary because the ‘and’ is there. So it should be either “distinct, musky scent” or “distinct and musky scent”.

She found it everywhere, along each blade of grass and the bark of the trees. She tried to keep track of his freshest scent, wandering towards its source, back towards the caves.

+Maybe: “She tried to keep track of his freshest scent and wandered to its source: back toward the caves.” I don’t want to change your style, there are just a lot of fragments in that sentence.

Looking about curiously the curvaceous woman walked slowly forward, scenting the air briefly before pausing and letting loose a low howl for Gabriel. She hugged her arms as a light breeze tickled at her shortened fur, her tail starting a slow and rhythmic sway as she awaited for her old friend to answer with a smile in place.

+I separated your sentence into two, just to avoid a run-on.
+I crossed out ‘for’ because the ‘awaited’ doesn’t require it. If it were ‘waited’, then you would need the ‘for’.
+The placement of the last bolded part actually says that you char is waiting for Gabriel to answer with a smile—that Gabriel will be doing the smiling, ^=^ To fix that, place the bolded part before the “she awaited” part—you’ll have to do some more editing of course, but it would be something like: She hugged her arms as a light breeze ticked at her shortened fur, her tail starting a slow and rhythmic sway as she smiled, awaiting her old friend’s answer.”

[Jezebel]

That helped a lot! I can see now where it doesn't really make sense due to the grammatical errors I made. I suppose it's just a matter of keeping an eye out for those things and reviewing my writing more before I post it. The way you rewrote some of my sentences just really ties it together, which was what I was lacking: fluidity.

Now when you say "adding a lot more characterization to my posts", I don't really know how I could do that. I'm used to just describing what my character is doing, where they might be going, who they might be thinking of and their surroundings at that current time. I find it hard adding more emotion and... portraying (I think that's the word I'm looking for what) something about them: their past, something happening to them just then, something poetic or sad. I guess it is just because I don't know where to put something like that in my writing; would I just start a whole new paragraph that dives right into it all, or would I find some kind of outside event, thought or emotion to lead into it?

I guess most of what I wrote above really has to do with inspiration. :S I should drink more haha.

[Kaena Lykoi]

[html]I have to say, I love this sentence. You used imagery magnificently and I could definitely see her in my head. :3 This is the one I'm talking about:


"Jezebel set out in lupus form, her fur soft and flowing, it's dark tones blending amongst the tree cast shadows with flashes of the white upon her chest, lower face and inner ears. Her ruby eyes sparkled with the excitement of the run..."


I've had a thread and a half with you now, and I do like your style. I agree with Req, though—while I have a great idea of what Jezebel looks like, a decent idea of her past, and a pretty good grip on her demeanor, I still don't really know how she's feeling about a particular event. Like, here, in this post in the Skylar thread:


“What are one of your family members names? Perhaps we could call them to us to sort this all out,” Jezebel suggested, still radiating distrust and irritation."


I guess... I don't know exactly how to strengthen the demeanor here. Hm. Like, maybe making her narrow her eyes, or put one hand on her hip. Some physical movement to indicate that, and definitely adding more words that have to do with her facial features. Brows furrow in irritation, too. And a great one I read in a book somewhere a really long time ago, when wolves get angry they just show one tooth at whoever is pissing them off! I like that one. X3


And also, instead of suggesting (which indicates she's being friendly or cooperative) she could have demanded of Skylar to know her family member's name, and then said the second part of it pointedly at Kae, which would suggest distrust of Skylar and irritation with her as well. :3


I have had the same problem with some of my characters—like right now I'm having a bit of a patchy time with Kaena because I'm used to playing her so vicious and violent, and the truth is she feels way, massively calmed down, and it's weird to write as a placid Kaena. So I know my descriptive things as far as emotions and features are lacking. It's not just you--I have a hard time putting emotion into Kaena 'cause I'm not really sure how she's feeling most of the time. D:[/html]

[Dawali Amara]

I'm not a master of characterization, but I try to always elaborate feelings through physical form, unless the character is knowingly masking it. Say Dawali is pissed off - you'll be able to see it clearly because he's an open book. His pose and face will be way different, none of the fatherly normal Dawali style. His voice would also be different, and perhaps the execution of some of his actions too. So I try to get the focus onto (a)typical behavior like that, which could result in the action of speaking or listening to another person's words becoming a whole paragraph of its own. Even if the character was actively hindering their emotions from reaching their face, they would still probably do things unconsciously, such as fiddling with hands and whatnot. Adding detail is what I find to be the best way to characterize my own characters, although I know it's not always the best way of doing it - it depends on your writing style and your character I guess. And of course on what you prefer.

Hope that helps - also I really like your writing, been reading some more beside what you posted here and you write very well I think characterization can be among the hardest challenges with roleplaying.

[Cwmfen nic Graine]

For starting a new paragraph, you don't necessarily have to. Characterization can just be integrated everywhere in your posts, as long as its relevant. And it can be simple.... It would only help to characterize your character's mindset and personality.

“What are one of your family members names? Perhaps we could call them to us to sort this all out,” Jezebel suggested, still radiating distrust and irritation.

Maybe here, to emphasize her loyalty to Gabriel, you could add a sentence or two afterwards about how you didn't like that someone would tresspass over Gabriel's boarders. Maybe you could have Jezebel think that, even though she didn't know all of the members of Inferni yet, she would be able to tell if Skylar were to lie or tell the truth.

You could also have her religion emphasized, since it was Gabriel who showed her, right? ^=^ Maybe if she comes across a very large building, she could look up and wonder at its size. Maybe she'd wonder at the humans and how they made the buildings, and then wonder again why God would have allowed them to die. Use a lot of biblical allusions-- that could help set the mood in a lot of places, and there are a lot of stories to refer to. Maybe a certain situation could remind Jezebel of a story, and then you could describe the importance of that reference to your character.

I'm just trying to throw ideas out there, and maybe they can help you. ^=^;; I'll have the editing of the second quoted thing up soon, too

[Cwmfen nic Graine]

Jezebel had been a part of Inferni now for a couple of weeks and had already easily fallen back into the routine of clan life; a life she had not experienced since she was a yearling, fighting wolves alongside her passion Gabriel and friend Eli.

+The semicolon, again, is used to separate complete clauses. I think that You could either change it to “...of clan life. It was a life she...” or “...of clan life, a life she...”

Now she was living it up, falling back into her friendship with Gabriel with ease, a bond which had never left the two in their years apart, and starting her new life amongst the caverns of Inferni. Yet Jezebel knew of course she would not be able to appreciate her new home fully if she left every corner unexplored, so she had set out to explore the eastern area of the clan’s territory.

+Here, I think that you would need to say “Yet Jezebel knew, of course, that she would...” There are a lot of times when we just leave out “that”, but it’s always good to write it if that’s what you mean.

Her path eventually led her to a man made building, something she had not seen in quite a while, and she made her away around the mansion with interest. Jezebel breathed in the scents surrounding her, her ears twitching as she sorted through each, deeming what was relevant or not. It was with her next breath that she caught the scent of wolves and clan, her hackles instantly standing at attention, Jezebel crouching close to the ground as she neared another corner of the large house. It was then she picked up the sounds of voices, both female and derisive.

+to avoid a run-on, I would change that comma to a period: “...and clan. Her hackles instantly standing at attention, Jezebel crouched close to the ground as she neared the other corner of the large house.”

What wolf would be delusional enough to pass such a clear and gruesomely marked border? Peering around the corner the ash and white woman looked upon the scene through a curtain of her dark and wavy hair, the sight of two coyotes, not one, catching her off guard. Straightening her posture Jezebel made herself known to the two others by walking out into the open, looking first towards the woman who was clearly part of the clan, though not known to Jezebel, then to the coyote-hybrid with the beginnings of a glare as her ears swiveled back.

“And you are?” Jezebel asked the strange girl, letting her lips slip past the tips of her fangs in silent warning, her red gaze flicking towards the older woman in the same questioning--yet not so hostile--gaze.

I didn’t see much that I had to fix, ^=^ There were just a few typos, but I knew that they were just typos, so I didn’t mention them, ^=^ Anyway, everything you write is relevant, and a lot of it does flow well. If you ever run into something that you think lacks fluidity, just read it aloud to herself and see if the sentence flows. You’ll be able to tell. Even though it’s not poetry, it’ll still have the same rhythmic value.

[Jezebel]

Thank-you all so much, this has really helped. I honestly don't have any more concerns or questions, I'm just glad that my writing wasn't completely horrible. I'll certainly try to elaborate on her emotions more and emphasize certain things about her. Practice makes perfect I guess. XD *hands everyone a cookie*

I should really make some thank-you avatars. *fiddles with photoshop*

[Cwmfen nic Graine]

^=^~ I'm just glad that I could help some~