draaamaaaa!
WC: 578
This was exactly the sort of conflict Coli strove to avoid. Already she wanted to give up and run away; it was better than fighting with Anu, anything was better than feeling this sickly and upset. Every time she opened her mouth, something stupid came out of it and she buried herself deeper in this hole. She scuffed at the ground with her paw, trying to redirect the tense energy she felt buzzing inside her.
It was surreal to actually have this conversation, instead of all the many versions she had rehearsed inside her mind. None of them hurt as much as the sharp tone Anu spoke with, the hardness to her voice. Had she ever spoken like this before? Coli could not recall a time. This was what she wanted, though: to hear the truth. She felt so small, listening silently and shivering.
...My love was not enough, and I came to terms with that.
Her head snapped back up, blue eyes wide with shock. "What? No, that's not... no," she denied, voice quavering. Ugh, this was so difficult! She never meant to hurt anyone... Coli never believed she could hurt Anu, the Dreamer was always so calm and strong and impervious. It never seemed like anything Coli did had any effect. Even leaving, the wolf still led a pack for many seasons and raised her sons all by herself; she had been just fine. It was only when she met Alder that Coli caught a glimpse of what she left in her wake. That clandestine encounter had given her the tiniest bit of hope -- maybe she hadn't ruined everything, if Anu might still care about her. If she had never taken another mate...
"...I wasn't enough."
A guilty expression crossed her face, and she averted her gaze again, staring instead at the earthen houses nearby. The autumn breeze ruffled her fur, toying with the wooden pendant around her throat. All the nights she had prayed Anu would come here, and share in this new life they had carved out here in the north. She yearned for it so badly, knowing it must have hurt to disband Crimson Dreams. Visiting the empty territory brought tears to her eyes, seeing Rabbit Lake and Haven Manor and the orchard... and Coli hadn't lived there for a full year, so how must Anu have felt?
Coli wanted to be the one to welcome her to this new place, to greet her with a smile and show her around, show her the confidence and stability that her Vináttan family had instilled in her. She didn't want to be the same desperate and cowardly traitor that abandoned her lover. But she never really changed, did she?
"Look, if... you don't w-want to see me again after today... I'll stay out of your way..." she mumbled softly, throat choking up even as she spoke the words. She could never leave this pack, but if Anu left she knew she would never see the wolf again. It was better to have her here, even if she could only watch from afar. She couldn't stop loving Anu, even if it was one-sided. There had been a time, once, when a young and foolish Colibri tried to end her life... she thought it was better than living to disappoint Anu. Maybe she had been right after all. But she had promised to live, and so she had. She had never tried to harm herself again, nor had she ever fallen in love again. So many promises...
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