massive post of dramaaaa
WC: 1038
The door swung open, a draft of cool autumn air sweeping into the home. Rúni and Lund led the way for the pack of puppies, but Flor and Fari were quick to dash out the door nipping playfully at their heels. It seemed the littlest girls would rather stay close to their mothers, Fiora and Sólieri. Coli nudged her chocolate-brown daughter forward with her nose, encouraging her to explore with the others. Lilin admitted she had feelings for another, once, but it was nothing more than that. Then she made her astute observation, probing further, and Coli could only nod in agreement. Yes, that was why she could not bring herself to leave the house for any length of time. She sighed heavily, preparing herself to delve into the story that she had only shared bits and pieces of before. No one knew all of it, but if anyone deserved to understand why Colibri Haki acted the way she did, it was Lilin. The small wolf padded out onto the porch area, sad blue eyes keeping a wary watch on the puppies.
"Y-you know how I am, I'm... afraid of males, I can't... it's really hard for me to trust them at all. I don't think I could ever, well... be with one, in that way. Not after wh-what Haku did. I fell in love... with a female instead. Her name is... Anu." She swallowed nervously, watching the pups cavorting in the leaves instead of making eye contact. Saul knew that much, just not the name. She wasn't sure if Lilin knew about her preferences, but it was at least obvious that she was not interested in men. It was the reason she had kept the puppies, when they had been conceived against her will -- she could never become a mother otherwise.
"When I lost my tail... I told you Haku took it. He would have killed me that day, if Anu hadn't been there to save me. She saved me in a lot of ways. I left Dahlia de Mai to be with her -- she was one of the leaders of Crimson Dreams. She was... too good for me," she added softly. There was never a time Coli had not been aware of that fact. She had warned Anu over and over, even the day they first met -- but for whatever reason, the Lieutenant General did not want to listen. Kind and forgiving Anu had a hold over her, a magnetic force that she could not resist, not even now. "We... never became mates, though. I got so scared that I was going to hurt her, disappoint her... I was distant, started avoiding her, and... and I never meant to ruin it, it just... she... got pregnant. She never told me, but... it could only mean that she didn't want me, so I just... left." Her halting narrative fell silent, choked up. When she met Anu weeks ago, they had argued about what went wrong. Who was at fault. There were so many unresolved feelings, all of them painful to admit to.
"I threw away two years of my life. Just running, and running... avoiding any contact, living off the wild. It was the only way I could cope. I couldn't handle any more feelings, I just... shut it down. I only came back here by accident... I never thought I would see her again. I met you, and I followed you here, and I made a home for myself. Even when I found out where Anu was, I didn't try to see her; it would only hurt her, that's all I ever did to her. But... but then... but she came here too, just before the hurricane..." Coli whimpered, curling in on herself. That encounter had devastated her. All she really wanted to do was apologize, and instead she spat harsh words she wished she could take back. Her heart had broken all over again, and Anu just walked away. Coli wanted to scream, to cry, to do anything other than just lay there helplessly, but that was all she had done. Let her walk away.
She drew a shuddering breath, continuing with difficulty. "I'm still in love with her, Lilin, but she doesn't care about me anymore. She's with someone else, here, I could smell it in her fur. She might even h-hate me. She's the only one I ever... I... don't know what to do with myself. It was like nothing had changed; I was the same coward who ran away all those years ago. I'm... always the same." She bared her teeth fiercely, flashing a glimpse of the self-loathing she had stewed in these past weeks. Oh, how she hated herself right now. The countless fantasies she had played out of reuniting with her Anu, with her head held high and proud, showing her how much she had grown during their time apart; they mocked her. She had ruined things all over again, but she just didn't know how to give up and move on. Always stuck in the past, never evolving.
"And you know, all I could think about were these little girls, my... daughters. I want them to be better than me, to not suffer through all the same insecurities and phobias and all the other messed up stuff in my head, but how can they? I'm such a-" She managed to cut herself off, the growl rising to a hysterical pitch. She was breathing heavily, fur rising along her spine. Fiora and her sisters seemed to take notice, shining blue eyes staring questioningly back at their mother. Coli stubbornly turned her head aside, ignoring their infantile concern. "Lilin, you've got to tell me, and be honest, do you... do you ever think I can change? Will I ever get better? I'm never good enough... and I'm sick of it. I want to be a better person. Even if... if it's too late for Anu, it's not too late for my girls," she whispered hoarsely. Finally she raised her gaze, staring gravely into Lilin's eyes as she spoke again.
"I think they would probably be better off without me... you should have just let me die."