05-06-2009, 01:25 PM
It was almost too easy to close her eyes and imagine the way it would be. She didn’t need Anu’s voice to guide her anymore. Now she could visualize the way the world would look if she were to go home. She imagined reclaiming her room in Haven Mansion, opening the window for the first time in months and brushing the dust from the walls. She imagined the dim sounds of Mati and Haven talking below, the sound of Savina and Kansas laughing quietly down the hall. She could hear Naniko’s muffled tones as she spoke to Jazper, his booming voice easily identifiable, and the sound of his fingers flying across the keys of the piano in the library.
But the sound that echoed foremost in her mind wasn’t accompanied by an image. She imagined seeing the backs of her eyelids, and the sound of still, quiet breathing in her ear. A warmth in the dark, curled around her back – solid and sure. She smiled humorlessly as she opened her eyes and stared at the ground. It made sense that she imagined Anu holding her within her imaginings. She was selfish enough to do that.
She cut her gaze to Anu’s face, fighting her own sense of shame to meet that clear blue gaze. And in that moment, she could see everything that Anu offered her. She thought back to their association, as brief and rocky as it had been. It didn’t make sense to her that she should feel this way about Anu. It didn’t even seem possible. But the feeling was there, deeply buried inside of her. And here she was again, offering her comfort. It was a gesture that was all give and no take.
"I've never deserved you, you know," she said quietly, taking in every nuance of the woman's face. "I wasn't even born that good." Anu walked like an angel where others feared to tread. And it seemed a miracle, an irrational miracle that she would offer even an iota of warmth to Geneva. She felt her heart moving toward the woman with blue eyes, and felt pain rip through her despite it all. She was trying to fight gravity, trying to tear herself away from something that felt so natural she could fall right into it.
She found herself struggling to breath, the breath caged within her chest. She struggled to sit, wheezing and fighting the urge to look away and collapse against the woman. The strain, the longing, the war within her to do both, neither. It made no sense, it sent her spiraling into chaos. It scared her. "I can't go back."
She shook her head sadly. "I've broken my word before," she said, speaking of the promise she had made to Savina at Crimson Dreams and the unspoken promises Anu and Geneva had made to each other. "My word is all I have now," she said hollowly.
But the sound that echoed foremost in her mind wasn’t accompanied by an image. She imagined seeing the backs of her eyelids, and the sound of still, quiet breathing in her ear. A warmth in the dark, curled around her back – solid and sure. She smiled humorlessly as she opened her eyes and stared at the ground. It made sense that she imagined Anu holding her within her imaginings. She was selfish enough to do that.
She cut her gaze to Anu’s face, fighting her own sense of shame to meet that clear blue gaze. And in that moment, she could see everything that Anu offered her. She thought back to their association, as brief and rocky as it had been. It didn’t make sense to her that she should feel this way about Anu. It didn’t even seem possible. But the feeling was there, deeply buried inside of her. And here she was again, offering her comfort. It was a gesture that was all give and no take.
"I've never deserved you, you know," she said quietly, taking in every nuance of the woman's face. "I wasn't even born that good." Anu walked like an angel where others feared to tread. And it seemed a miracle, an irrational miracle that she would offer even an iota of warmth to Geneva. She felt her heart moving toward the woman with blue eyes, and felt pain rip through her despite it all. She was trying to fight gravity, trying to tear herself away from something that felt so natural she could fall right into it.
She found herself struggling to breath, the breath caged within her chest. She struggled to sit, wheezing and fighting the urge to look away and collapse against the woman. The strain, the longing, the war within her to do both, neither. It made no sense, it sent her spiraling into chaos. It scared her. "I can't go back."
She shook her head sadly. "I've broken my word before," she said, speaking of the promise she had made to Savina at Crimson Dreams and the unspoken promises Anu and Geneva had made to each other. "My word is all I have now," she said hollowly.