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P - Anu
Geneva sighed morosely as rain came down softly. She shifted her position, her muscles screaming in weariness as she lowered herself to the ground, resting her head on her paws, but keeping her eyes forward and alert. It made no sense for her to come back here, the scene of the crime, but she couldn't shake the events of days before from her head. The rain had washed the scent of the battle from this place, and she was nose-deaf to begin with. But she could still recall the ghost of the scent of her own blood flooding her nostrils. She could taste its phantom gliding down her throat bitterly, reminding her of her failures.
Every day, she felt more and more the fool. Her own inadequacies burned bright as neon in her mind. She felt as though she had failed, not only in protecting her new pack, but in showing any sense. She recalled words Jefferson had shared with her earlier, that she should be more careful. Her life had flashed before her eyes, and she had understood his warning. She didn't like to live in the shadow of fear, but here she was, cowering. It left her disgruntled, but she couldn't shake the feeling.
Her brush with death had scared her, and she thanked her lucky stars that DaVinci had shown up when he had. She was certain that without his aid, she would have been hurt far more seriously. Geneva had been avoiding the Patriarch, not wanting to know what she might see in his electric green eye as he surveyed the damage Brennt had left behind, a story written in the language of violence across her skin. She didn't know what to think, returning here day-after-day, almost as if she expected the yellow-eyed giant to return. Almost as if she could rewrite the story that had been written in the script of blood, almost as if she could change anything at all. It was useless.
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Who was she coming for? Did she make the trip for her own satisfaction, or was it just to check and see if her heart was still intact. It was difficult to entrust any beast with what little she had to offer, and Anu had been so whiling to give it all away. Or did she venture to her past home to check on her, to see if her confusion was any less. It was ironic, that the female she held so dear had retreated to Phoenix Valley. It had been where Anu first lived, leaving only to be with Naniko. What if she had stayed? What if none of this had happened, and she just lived with no doubt, no guilt, no pain. Still, life had worked the way it had and there was no going backwards. She could only hope she was moving forward.
Her nose led her, the outskirts of the packlands familiar and calling her name in gentle whispers. Anu walked slowly towards them, and with a drop of hesitation passed over them. Silent the thin tawny female walked like a ghost in hoped of finding only Geneva, no one else. He lived here too, but Anu could only remember his scent vaguely, pushing the memory down deep until she forgot them entirely. At least for a moment.
Knowing that the farm sat in the center of the territory, Anu made her way towards it. Only a sweet scent that drifted on a passing breeze, nothing more then an ear teasing gust, made her change her direction. Nose to the wind, Anu close her eyes taking in the emotions that she read so easily from the nearby female. Her paws pounded against the awakening grass, her lean frame still inaudible as she ran. The sight of her made Anu falter in her step, slowing until she dare not get any closer.
She was ragged, and blood hung on her scent. A barrage of emotion hit her, fear, anger, sorrow and worry just to name a few. Blue eyes fell to the ground; at the very pang of happiness she felt just to lay her eyes upon the other. Her heart beat, quickly as she took another step towards her. Are you ok? The words held every but of emotion that Anu couldn’t contain. Why did the mere sight of her make tears sting her eyes? Why did she want nothing more then for the bodies to be touching? Even ounce of her being kept her locked in place.
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Geneva didn't remember closing her eyes, but when she opened them again, her heart stuttered inside of her chest. She lifted her head from her paws slowly, lime green eyes dull against the brightness of the rain fall. Rain drops caught light that slipped through the clouds, shining for a moment before falling to the ground to mix with the dirt and newly awakened grass. Soft sounds, the wind blowing, the rain fall, followed words from a voice that made her heart ache. She didn't know it was possible for her to feel more, for the depth of her emotion to stretch and grow, but it did when she realized who stood before her.
She didn't get up to greet her, the weariness in her bones had set in as if it intended to stay. And Geneva was too tired to fight it, or to fight anything. Her heart didn't pound like it normally did when Anu was around. It slowed again as the excitement faded as quickly as it had flared to life. She felt as though there was a hole in her dead chest, a sense of loss she couldn't explain. It would have burned, would have driven her to come up with defensive words in the face of this angel. But she had nothing, but a few regrets and her empty chest.
The bitterness of a defeat, not only physical, but mental and emotional, robbed her of any reaction. Her voice was flat, without the usual lit or cadance, as she answered without pretense. "I'll heal," was all she said, in a rough voice. And she knew that she would, eventually, if the hands of time would move by quickly. All she could do was dwell on the things she had failed to do.
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Anu watched as her heart hung on the defeated wolfess. Ticking beside the female as she lay in the soft rain soaked ground. Anu had never seen her with such sorrow, and with the life drained so completely out of her. She had witnessed ever emotion from Geneva, all except this. Every high, and now every low. Blue eyes scanned her body, checking to see in there were any wounds that still bled. She reeked of it, and it only worried Anu more.
Her voice hung in the falling air, hitting the ground with the passing raindrops. Her mouth fell into a concerned frown, and she took a few steps forward. They were restrained, keeping her from getting too close. She knew it was distance Geneva had been looking for, but something had happened while they were apart and Anu needed to know what it was. Who had hurt her, and where they were. The slight and lean wolfess contained the rage she held for the nameless and faceless beast, focusing on the dull nothing she felt from Geneva.
Anu let her tail fall to the ground, before resting on her stomach. At eye level with her, Anu watched her ears forward and her body still rigid. What happened?The questions wouldn’t end, not until she could understand what had happened. She could read her mind, didn’t know what she wanted or what Anu could give her. All she needed to know was what Geneva needed, and Anu would be happy to provide it.
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Was there a way to even explain the conundrum of a deafening silence that had drowned out the sound of even her own heartbeat inside her head? She felt dead inside, empty and utterly still of anything but the sweetness of the rain mingled with the bitterness of her faults. She blinked slowly, her eyes sinking to the floor. But she couldn't keep her eyes away from Anu's face as her friend lowered herself to the ground, so close yet so far. She kept her distance, and Geneva didn't know whether to be pleased or to scream for her to come closer. Indecision was just salt in her wounds, and she grimaced as these thoughts raced through her head.
But Anu's blue eyes were gentle, and didn't demand answers though there was urgency in her tone. She found that that look alone had loosened her tongue, and she felt cool air on her dry throat as she spoke quietly. Her words were soft, like the wings of humming bird, and her words didn't have any particular direction. Hopelessness laced her tone as a sense of being lost to everything but those blue eyes set in, bone deep. "Have you ever been so utterly...when you're too tired to move...and each breath..." The wolfess shook her head and swallowed, closing her eyes briefly as she tried to collect her thoughts. But when she opened her eyes and her mouth to continue, the words that came still weren't a succinct answer to Anu's question. "Have you ever realized that, despite everything, you're just a body...just a few precious fluids in an envelop that's so easy to break..." her voice cracked around the word.
Beaten. It had been her first fight, but it left her so utterly shaken she didn't know how to move forward from the defeat. She had had her ass handed to her, but more than that she had come face-to-face with her own mortality. Geneva wasn't afraid to die, but the insignificance of her own life loomed so close. She had known that each and every life was precious before, but she had never felt so frail before in her life. Brennt could have snapped each bone in her body, spilled every drop of her blood, and walked away like it was nothing. Nothing. She was nothing.
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Anu had once pledged to never look away. When their time together had been so forbidden, and then threatened to be lost forever, Anu had made the choice. She would never let her eyes fall from her, refusing to look at the face that sent her heart a flame. She wouldn't forget that, no matter how hard Geneva pushed her, Anu would remain. There was no other way for her to live. She had been so close, at the very edge when Geneva had left her after the storm of emotion ripped through both of them, and as Geneva spoke with dead hollow voice Anu could only look to that night.
Like the world moves, and all you can do is watch. Anu didn’t know for sure if it was what Geneva felt, but still the words fell from her lips, happy to be expressing her hidden repressed feelings. When you think that nothing will be right again, no words can comfort you and nothing bring you back to life. Anu looked on, remembering the one thing had could bring her back from the darkness that so commonly threatened to swallow her.
Who had broken her? Anu needed to know. Still she held her tongue, hold the rest of the thoughts that wanted to join those she had already let out into the damp air. Her body fought the urge to lie beside her, to let Geneva’s head rest upon her soft neck. Anu could only lay motionless, a dog commanded by it master to remain statue still waiting patiently for the command of release.
Your more then just a body. Anu spoke, her voice more solid and firm then the emotion ridden thoughts had been. She was more; so much more that Anu couldn’t even find the words to describe her. A million little things that sent her heart singing. A list so long that her voice would be lost before she got halfway through. She was her everything, and there were no words to encompass that feeling and Anu felt it too delicate to even attempt its expression. Who hurt you Geneva? She couldn’t hold the question back anymore, she needed to know who there were.
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It was hard to focus on Anu's face through the gloom of the rain, her own eyes unfocused from exhaustion. She hadn't slept well since the day of the fight. Shadowy figures preyed upon her unconscious mind and she thrashed in her sleep, bringing the pain from her wounds to the fore. She spent countless hours just staring at the ceiling of the ranch, counting knots in the wooden floor, and mindlessly turning the pages of books. Her legs and arms were stiff, and almost felt unfamiliar when she tried to use them. It was hard for her to focus at all.
But the blue of Anu's eyes were clear as the first light of day against the dark. Her words carried against the sound of the wind into Geneva's mind, each world clearly outlined and punctuated against the emptiness. She felt their echoes against the walls of her mind. Geneva turned those words over, shocked how they reflected her state of mind like a verbal mirror. She straightened a little, peering through the darkness now to really see Anu. She spoke as though she had stolen those words from Geneva's heart.
How could she know? How could she possibly speak those words as if they were her own? Geneva wondered if she was that transparent, but knew she had given Anu next to nothing to work with. Because those words were her own. When had the world crashed down? When had the sky fallen for the woman? The ache in her bones was gone, replaced by the thrumming of gravity again, as she felt sickened by the fact that she might have put the look upon Anu's face.
"It doesn't matter," she said. She swallowed hard, trying to understand what this might mean, trying to look beyond the world of her own pain. Part of her resurfaced, as she shook her head to clear rain from her eyes. "I don't know his name....it was just me being...stupid...Again."
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There would always bee that feeling of endlessness. Like it would never stop, or it would never return. That was what it was, the hopelessness that poured through her body. It was a rapid river that diluted her blood stream and washed every remnant of her being away. It left her hollowed and the pieces scattered around her. There were always so many, all the little bits that had been cast aside, fallen to the ground for her to pick up again. Why did Anu know that feel more intimately then she did simple happiness? Her eyes could see the pieces of Geneva scattered before the shell of a wolf.
Maybe it didn’t matter. What would the frail female do anyways? Anu was no fighter, her body was useless and only good for simply running away. But she would have fought; she knew she would have if given the chance. But then, if it didn’t mater how would Anu help at all? The blue eyed female watched the others face as she fought the dripping rain, her own breaking her gaze and looking upward for a slightest of seconds. Your not senseless. Anu reassured her, knowing that she wouldn’t have been foolish. She would have done what she thought was right, and Anu knew her enough to know that her intention was always pure.
Where were you, were you here? Anu scanned the dismal landscape. The rain had slowed, hardly visible unless hooked and carried by the wind. Was it right here that she had been so badly hurt, right in her new home? The question surfaced and Anu smothered the growing anger. If she wasn’t safe in these boarders, then she shouldn’t be here. In the Crimson Dreams member’s eyes she didn’t need to, not anymore.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> It was futile to try to keep anything from Anu. No matter how she tried to harbor her secrets inside, they all came pouring out of her when she talked to Anu. It was a struggle to hold her tongue even this long. But still, it was easier than she would have thought to make her confessions to the beautiful blue-eyed woman. It was easier to speak around the abrasive sense of guilt that otherwise held her in a choke hold. It eased her soul, but made the burning in her throat even worse to let the truth bleed over her silence.
"It was here, right here," she said. Strange that she should be drawn to this place. But here she was, only feet from where Brennt had tossed her away like a rag doll. She had been about as effective as a rag doll when she tried to protect her territory, defend herself. Her efforts had been laughable. In the end, every breath in her body hadn't mattered. He had been indomitable, insurmountable.
"If it weren't for DaVinci...I would have died," she said the last word, tasting the ultimate truth of it. "There was a strange male right outside the borders. He wouldn't leave. And I...I wouldn't shut up. He wasn't all there, and he just let loose," she said. Geneva looked into Anu's eyes, snorting mirthlessly. "All my fault," she concluded.
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A breath, a heart beat, the motion of her eyes moving from her face back to the green orbs she bore. Each was different when Geneva was with her. They stung, but the pain was familiar and was growing more and more pleasurable. They simplest things were always hard, but with the hardship they grew more valuable, able to just appreciate the smallest of things while in her presence. Anu noticed each breath she took and each pounding crack of her heart was if she had never experienced them before.
There was fear, fear and regret lacing voice. Anu listened, her haunches twitching slightly as she fought the growing urge to rest her form beside the other’s body. Neither needed to be among the females vocals, the sweet voice that could made her knees weak, made her believe the greatest of lies, made her willingly jump into the burning pit that stood blazing between them. Geneva was shamed that she couldn’t fight and win, she was ashamed by the fact that she wasn’t as strong as any adversary. Had she been too weak against Anu, against her pushing and against the rolling force that Anu had created? Did she feel shamed by that as well?
The thought of her death, living with the knowledge that she would never see her again was too much for Anu. She had faced that, and with it the tumbling events had lead them to ever heart breaking, life shattering and breath taking moment. Still, Anu refused to believe that Geneva could ever be gone. Anu would make her safe, make her know that it was only right to love who she was, faults included. No. She spoke, blue eyes clear and solid but at the same moment soft and comforting. He had no right entering a pack territory, attacking you. Her voice was just as conclusive as hers had been.
The words hardly finished before Anu rose. She was done with invitations. The need to comfort her was too great, too over powering and felt too perfect. Settling down beside her, Anu watched her face. Not looking so much for what Geneva felt by her actions, but more that maybe her words had helped. Words were not ease her pain, they would close the wounds and make her wish she had come out the victor, but Anu hoped she would focus on them. Hoped she would ignore the way her face changed, as Anu grew close.
You fought, you didn’t run. Your not a coward. she paused, her eyes turning to the female beside her, the words slipping from her mouth foolishly. Some are made for fighting, while others were made to love., how naive she must sound.
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Geneva sighed, closing her eyes and accepting defeat - both of her best intentions and of Anu's logic. She felt Anu rest beside her and stretched her neck wearily, resting her own head on Anu's shoulder and closing her eyes. She felt the warmth of her shoulder beneath her chin and let the feeling enfold her. She had been so cold, from the inside out, since the attack. She had forgotten what it meant to breathe easy, to let something or someone hold her like an anchor to the earth. She had floated in her own sense of fear, drowned in her self-hatred and doubt for weeks.
Anu's words no longer fell upon deaf ears. Geneva couldn't help but listen, didn't have the strength to reject the truth in her words. She knew that Anu would never lie to her. And although she had trouble believing in herself, she had no trouble believing in Anu. It came easily to her. She felt like a moon that had finally found its center of gravity orbiting around a planet. It felt like home again, a measure of comfort she hadn't imagined, hadn't believed she deserved.
She coughed, clearing her scratchy throat before she spoke. "All the love in the world can't me or anyone else safe from what's out there in the world," she said, her tone thoughtful and only slightly bitter. She wished there was a way to make it true, though. She wished that love was enough, and that love didn't hurt the way it did. The way it hurt them both, cutting them deep into the core. She wished she had the words, the answers, but she didn't.
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Anu closed her own eyes as she felt the weight on her shoulders. It was soft and hardly a weight at all, but she felt it still. It was comforting to her, though she was the on that hoped to give Geneva a sense of ease. She had a chill in her skin, and it filtering into her own fur, battling the hot blood that pumped through Anu, she would win and begin to ease Geneva’s tense and cold muscles. Anu let her eyes flutter open at the others words, bringing her black nose toward the grey female, blue eyes looking at the paws the almost clung to the solid earth they lay upon.
As before there was defeat in her words, words that told of a dim future, told of sorrow to come and as always, pain. But they already felt that, the pain of separation and the pain of being together. Anu felt it, but there was something that she could not let go, not entirely. It rode upon a feather, so weightless that the smallest gust of a spring wind could tear it from her grasp. It was a thing so light that there were times when Anu could hardly feel it presence. By her words Anu believed that Geneva had lost it, but maybe it was just floating beyond her grasp. Maybe, the green hued eyes could see the feather whisk passed her gaze in her time of pain.
Or maybe hope was a thing with feathers, wings that could take flight unless you held tight.
Unable to see the face she desired, Anu looked only to the paws and ground in her view. You don’t know that. Her voice was soft, with no fight in them. It was just that thing she refused to give up that spoke. She didn’t know, how could she? The thin woman’s breath came gently, and her pounding heart was just something that rang in the back of her mind. Anu wanted nothing more then for the wolfess to feel the love she cradled in her broken heart. She refused. And, to Anu, would rather live with in sorrow. The hope brought her to speak again, You can be safe, happy.
Her noise touched the other’s paw that sat beneath it for a prolonged second. Her voice was gentle, but there was hope knit between the syllables. You can live in a world of love when would she stop asking Geneva to let her love her? When would the moment come when the sight of her didn’t make her pulse race and the fog before her eyes lift? Anu could live with the unanswered questions. There was just no need for Geneva's pain and no need for her to feel unsafe. Her last words slipped passed her dark lips, riding on the weight of a feather.
Come home.
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It was almost too easy to close her eyes and imagine the way it would be. She didn’t need Anu’s voice to guide her anymore. Now she could visualize the way the world would look if she were to go home. She imagined reclaiming her room in Haven Mansion, opening the window for the first time in months and brushing the dust from the walls. She imagined the dim sounds of Mati and Haven talking below, the sound of Savina and Kansas laughing quietly down the hall. She could hear Naniko’s muffled tones as she spoke to Jazper, his booming voice easily identifiable, and the sound of his fingers flying across the keys of the piano in the library.
But the sound that echoed foremost in her mind wasn’t accompanied by an image. She imagined seeing the backs of her eyelids, and the sound of still, quiet breathing in her ear. A warmth in the dark, curled around her back – solid and sure. She smiled humorlessly as she opened her eyes and stared at the ground. It made sense that she imagined Anu holding her within her imaginings. She was selfish enough to do that.
She cut her gaze to Anu’s face, fighting her own sense of shame to meet that clear blue gaze. And in that moment, she could see everything that Anu offered her. She thought back to their association, as brief and rocky as it had been. It didn’t make sense to her that she should feel this way about Anu. It didn’t even seem possible. But the feeling was there, deeply buried inside of her. And here she was again, offering her comfort. It was a gesture that was all give and no take.
"I've never deserved you, you know," she said quietly, taking in every nuance of the woman's face. "I wasn't even born that good." Anu walked like an angel where others feared to tread. And it seemed a miracle, an irrational miracle that she would offer even an iota of warmth to Geneva. She felt her heart moving toward the woman with blue eyes, and felt pain rip through her despite it all. She was trying to fight gravity, trying to tear herself away from something that felt so natural she could fall right into it.
She found herself struggling to breath, the breath caged within her chest. She struggled to sit, wheezing and fighting the urge to look away and collapse against the woman. The strain, the longing, the war within her to do both, neither. It made no sense, it sent her spiraling into chaos. It scared her. "I can't go back."
She shook her head sadly. "I've broken my word before," she said, speaking of the promise she had made to Savina at Crimson Dreams and the unspoken promises Anu and Geneva had made to each other. "My word is all I have now," she said hollowly.
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She had always pictured it. Always felt the presence as she lay in the dark, felt the rise and fall of steady sleeping breaths. It was a torturous imagination. But she could not help but picture it, dream of it. Anu let it happen, let the pain hang in her chest as she lay alone, walked aimlessly, even let her thoughts drift as she spoke to another. The more she had watched the pictures pass over her minds eyes the more she longed for it. The more right it felt, the more possible as well as impossible it became.
There was silence, and Anu moved so that she could watch the face of the woman she loved, loved without question. Loved too much. Her words were something Anu didn’t understand. It had been she that never deserved, never could have Geneva. It was she who pushed her away, made her run to the arms of another family. Anu couldn’t understand whom Geneva thought she was, what good she was made of. Had she not seen the tears of Haven’s green eyes? Had she not felt the pain she had caused them both? The heartache that made her wish to pull the organ from her chest and wait for death was far too obvious to go unnoticed. Anu had caused all of that. She blamed herself for she and Naniko dissolving the way it did. It had been her love for Geneva that made her choose the end of she and the mother of her children. It was a hidden, secret truth. But it was the truth.
She waited, and regretted it. The things she spoke may have been prevented, if Anu had stopped her from speaking, said something to change her mind. Blue eyes only watched her as Geneva promised she would not leave with her. She fought the tears, and for once won. She let her breathing come easily, controlling them as if she had lost the power of her own body. The last sentence held no meaning, no emotion laden in its syllables. It didn’t seem like Anu deserved that much. You fight me. She said, looking at the other’s face. Her voice was heavy, sodden with the feelings that rolled in her chest. Her heart could be heard in her head, heavy as she fought to match the woman’s gaze.
You fight everything you feel Anu felt the sting of tears, felt the edge of anger and felt the hollowness that was growing in her chest. Looking harder Anu kept the fall of the salty drops at bay. She couldn’t understand why. Was it that painful to be with her? The thought of it too disgusting? Her words, the reactions of her body told Anu otherwise. But now she couldn’t even tell truth from lies. If I ever deserved you, if you ever loved me… She let the words trail away, not knowing where she had wanted them to go. She looked at the face of the female, taking it in and feeling the loss of breath that made her want her more. Though she would want to forget, Anu watched each line and studied each curve. Wanting to foolishly remember it.
No more, Anu could not have her heart manipulated the way Geneva toyed with it. Did she forget that she had started all of this? Had the memories been crushed and forgotten, to upsetting and unreal to keep. Had she forgotten the way the wind and ocean’s call had brought them together, the air between them a lighting storm that raged with no conscious. Geneva regretted every moment, she wanted to forget. Their kiss, the fire and the longing satisfied. Had she forgotten the sacrifices, the words and the confessions of love and more? Pushing the memories away Anu spoke, I understand. she lied. She obviously didn’t, couldn’t. Was Anu just that selfish to allow herself the passions that she felt?
She inhaled, ignoring her scent as best she could and looked away. Paws were beneath her suddenly and with a power that wasn’t her own. As frozen and rooted to the ground as she had once felt they moved as lightly as a feather. But it wasn’t the ground she was rooted to, not now. Even while she refused to watch her Anu felt the pull. The pull that Geneva ignored, resented. I still love you. She spoke hastily and with none of the submissive passion that she was used to feeling. It was anger, and hatred for herself. She hated that she wasn’t stronger, wish that she could be more and be what Geneva wanted. Anu knew her downfalls, knew that it was her femininity that made Geneva keep her distance. Looking back to her at the thought, knowing that she would never be enough Anu held her eyes, slowly broke the connection and turned her back to her.
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