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There was silence, and Anu moved so that she could watch the face of the woman she loved, loved without question. Loved too much. Her words were something Anu didn’t understand. It had been she that never deserved, never could have Geneva. It was she who pushed her away, made her run to the arms of another family. Anu couldn’t understand whom Geneva thought she was, what good she was made of. Had she not seen the tears of Haven’s green eyes? Had she not felt the pain she had caused them both? The heartache that made her wish to pull the organ from her chest and wait for death was far too obvious to go unnoticed. Anu had caused all of that. She blamed herself for she and Naniko dissolving the way it did. It had been her love for Geneva that made her choose the end of she and the mother of her children. It was a hidden, secret truth. But it was the truth.
She waited, and regretted it. The things she spoke may have been prevented, if Anu had stopped her from speaking, said something to change her mind. Blue eyes only watched her as Geneva promised she would not leave with her. She fought the tears, and for once won. She let her breathing come easily, controlling them as if she had lost the power of her own body. The last sentence held no meaning, no emotion laden in its syllables. It didn’t seem like Anu deserved that much. You fight me. She said, looking at the other’s face. Her voice was heavy, sodden with the feelings that rolled in her chest. Her heart could be heard in her head, heavy as she fought to match the woman’s gaze.
You fight everything you feel Anu felt the sting of tears, felt the edge of anger and felt the hollowness that was growing in her chest. Looking harder Anu kept the fall of the salty drops at bay. She couldn’t understand why. Was it that painful to be with her? The thought of it too disgusting? Her words, the reactions of her body told Anu otherwise. But now she couldn’t even tell truth from lies. If I ever deserved you, if you ever loved me… She let the words trail away, not knowing where she had wanted them to go. She looked at the face of the female, taking it in and feeling the loss of breath that made her want her more. Though she would want to forget, Anu watched each line and studied each curve. Wanting to foolishly remember it.
No more, Anu could not have her heart manipulated the way Geneva toyed with it. Did she forget that she had started all of this? Had the memories been crushed and forgotten, to upsetting and unreal to keep. Had she forgotten the way the wind and ocean’s call had brought them together, the air between them a lighting storm that raged with no conscious. Geneva regretted every moment, she wanted to forget. Their kiss, the fire and the longing satisfied. Had she forgotten the sacrifices, the words and the confessions of love and more? Pushing the memories away Anu spoke, I understand. she lied. She obviously didn’t, couldn’t. Was Anu just that selfish to allow herself the passions that she felt?
She inhaled, ignoring her scent as best she could and looked away. Paws were beneath her suddenly and with a power that wasn’t her own. As frozen and rooted to the ground as she had once felt they moved as lightly as a feather. But it wasn’t the ground she was rooted to, not now. Even while she refused to watch her Anu felt the pull. The pull that Geneva ignored, resented. I still love you. She spoke hastily and with none of the submissive passion that she was used to feeling. It was anger, and hatred for herself. She hated that she wasn’t stronger, wish that she could be more and be what Geneva wanted. Anu knew her downfalls, knew that it was her femininity that made Geneva keep her distance. Looking back to her at the thought, knowing that she would never be enough Anu held her eyes, slowly broke the connection and turned her back to her. |