Writing Mentoring/Critique Very Appreciated

[Cuomo]

Hi everyone. I am a first timer to role playing and to creative writing in general. I wanted to know if my first post could be evaluated and perhaps to get some pointers along the way too. This is what I wrote as my first post:

Cuomo had never felt so fleet of foot or free to do as he pleased. He was a separate entity, an agent all his own. Only his free will propelled him forward to do whatever he wanted to. This way of life blended into a string of endlessly identical days. When time became hard to distinguish, he knew that this path in life would do him no good. He did not want to lead a forgettable life that was dominated by monotony and inanity. Rather, he wanted to know for certain that he had maximized the time he had to live.

Cuomo had a dark colored pelt. His fur coat was comprised of several dark shades of gray that culminated into a dark, ashen coat that appeared to be a deep black. Because of his wolf heritage, he had the larger builds of Canis lupus occidentalis and canis lupus lycaon, but his muzzle thinned slightly, giving him a more delicate look when his face was turned in profile. This, of course, was a nod to his coyote heritage. His eyes glinted as rays of early spring sunlight. The color of his irises was a deep yellow-orange. It was unusual, but not completely striking. The color suited his face.

The scent that drifted from these lands told him that this was the border land of a pack. The male wolf paced a few dozen feet parallel to the invisible line that delineated open land from claimed land. It was very fitting that his path had led him here, when he so much wanted to create change in his current life path. Perhaps he could find someone who lived here and learn more about it. He could change those endlessly forgettable days into days that would be memorable.

[Slade Auctor]

First off, you're a really good writer!

• The names of exact species should be italicized, with the genus capitalized; Canis lupus occidentalis and Canis lupus lycaon, for example.
• Just a little pointer, unlike a book, you don't need to describe Cuomo in huge detail with every starting post, since people can just go onto your profile to see what he looks like (given you have the appearance section filled out, of course).
• "It was very fitting that his path had led him here, when he so much wanted to create change in his current life path."
  I'm a little on the edge about this, because you used the word "path" twice, which sometimes calls for a bit of confusion. (It did for me, at least.) I usually try not to use the same noun/verb/important word twice in the same sentence; maybe you could have "It was very fitting that his path had led him here, when he so much wanted to create change in his current lifestyle." Just a suggestion, no need to use.

But yeah, you're a good writer, and I'll certainly have to stalk your posts! You'll also want to aim for a 300+ word count if you're joining a pack; you get points, which can be used towards titles and other cool stuff. In this post you're extremely close to 300 words; 296, according to this website. Maybe give a short explination as to why Cuomo has decided to come to the particular pack you're going to have him join?

[Cuomo]

Sorin,

Thank you very much for your input. I tried to put your advice into action with my second post. I really appreciate it!

[Slade Auctor]

You're welcome; glad I could help!

[Kaena Lykoi]

I agree with Sorin! You're a wonderful writer. ^_^ She makes a few great points, too! I do agree that the physical description isn't absolutely necessary in every post, but it's a great thing to write about at first to give yourself some better ideas about just how your character looks. Later, you can even take these bits and pieces and paste them into your profile, rewording it a bit to maybe make it more like a profile-description.

One thing you may focus on is physical area description -- you posted in Dahlia de Mai, so you can check out the Areas topic and look for the lands around Dahlia de Mai -- depending on Cuomo's direction of travel, he'd be in Arachnea's Revenge or Ethereal Eclipse, both heavily forested areas.

Read over the descriptions of those areas -- we also offer plenty of resources on the RP guide for area description. The Nova Scotia page provides a description of geography and climate, and the Flora/Fauna page provides a description of some of the plant and animal species Cuomo might encounter during his travels. :3

The weather (also provided on the Area page right on top; alternatively, follow @halifaxweather on Twitter) is also helpful, as it can help you decide whether it's cloudy, raining, sunny, etc. You don't have to adhere exactly to the weather as it is in real life, of course -- if you want a plot where it's raining and it's during the spring, summer, or fall -- go for it! As long as the weather you decide is plausible for the season and not like... major-disaster weather, it's all good (e.g., don't say eight tornadoes touched down in Halifax; that's a bit much and should probably be played in LASKY forum or proposed as a semi-major board-wide plot XD).

You can then incorporate these things into your post -- this can help you figure out what the exact scene is. This is good for lengthening your posts and giving you something to write about, as well as setting the scene for other roleplayers. The more they know about the scene, the better they'll craft their own post and play to your desired setting (hopefully, anyway!). Helps to avoid mistakes where the first roleplayer in the thread posts that it's raining and he's inside, and the second roleplayer comes in from frolicking merrily in a sunny meadow. X3

Hope that helps! If you'd like more critique, please do post again. ^^ Not that you desperately need it, of course! I just like offering advice -- it helps me think out my own ideas and others can also refer to the thread for their own needs. 8D

[Cuomo]

I didn't even see this until now. A belated thanks to you! I will definitely use these resources in my posts to come. These were very helpful!