of childhood and paper cranes

Shandom Qi'Vaex · 01-11-2012, 08:51 PM

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HAH. Just cracked a thousand. Smile

Nuki, love, for you! / +1,001

To have a childhood must be a wonderful thing, Shandom thought.

He never had much of one. Growing up, some of his first memories were of blood and terror, of a vivid nightmare brought to the harsh colors of life. Red, even in the strange in-between of dreams, was never brighter than in those terrifying moments. Sometimes, Shandom wondered if his parents' abduction was the source of what he was, the reasoning behind the crimes that shaped him. He knew that was a cop out, though. Nothing had made him draw blood that day except the green monster of jealousy.

Like Linquilea, he had flaws. While her stone heart was wrapped in hatred and she had become the embodiment for things that were terrifyingly awful in this world, Shandom's own soul was twisted through with currents of envy. Envy of those who were loved more than he, envy of the wolves who could find love; but especially envy of those who still interacted with his Lea-Belle. She would never belong to anyone else, in his mind. Even though years of hatred and decay transformed her into something beyond his recognition, underneath everything there was still a laughing little girl, set in her convictions and confident in who she would become. Shandom had loved her for that, when he was a child without a childhood, and for so many other reasons as well. The sparkle of her smile and the impish look that entered her eye when she thought of something truly mischievous: he could remember every individual moment, and held on to them like precious jewels. To have that again, if only for a moment, would be an incredible thing. As the years passed, Shandom wondered why he was not lucky enough to have a life like that.

His Alphess, the transcendent and ethereal Titania, brought him sadness if for the reason that her childhood was squandered on the responsibilities of adults. She was prepared for it, he knew, and it was her birthright and destiny. But she had not yet seen the full turn of the seasons; he would not be surprised if this were her first full winter that she could remember. An Alphess could not frolic in the snow and gaze in wonder at the strangeness of ice; she had duties to her pack that could not be ignored in favor of the wonders of youth. Sometimes he wondered if she noticed it, or accepted how strange her life truly was. Her energy, though, was serene, and Shandom would not mistake his place to tell her otherwise. The man respected her, and it was for that reason that he padded along in freshly fallen snow, seeking out the girl-woman-leader.

She had, at the informal pack meeting several days ago, asked him to meet with her to discuss his story. Shandom knew what she wanted, even if she were discrete and polite in front of the rest of the pack. The male had not been particularly stealthy about the hideousness of his crimes, though he did not mention them. Like any Alphess, she would want to know the details, and the potential danger to her pack. He had a sense of foreboding in his heart, as if he already knew the outcome; that was, of course, absurd. Shandom hoped, prayed even, that the name of the pack - this New Dawn where he now lived - would give him exactly what it promised. A new horizon, a new day on which to start his story. Sometimes, he wondered whether or not it would be prudent to change his name and completely begin again. But that went against his very nature. The male was rooted in history, a strange barrier between what happened, what was happening, and what would happen. In the strange canvas of his mind, Shandom transcended it all.

It was a relatively simple process, finding the Alphess. Since coming to New Dawn and fully entrenching himself back into his Lupus form, the powerful sense of smell that came so naturally to him returned with great strength, though he had not realized he'd lost it to begin with. Then again, perhaps it was all a mental game, something his alienated conscious had created in order to further convince him that a life on two legs was no life at all. He wandered through the pack lands, away from the den, following the familiar perfume. There was something comforting about it, something that reminded him of his own childhood. He wondered what it was.

She was at a small stream, and he yipped softly to alert her to his presence. Immediately, his body curled into itself; tail tucked, ears flattened against his head, eyes away from her regal facade. In a situation such as this, it would be proper for him to show as much submission as possible. If there was one thing he did not want, it was to present himself as any sort of threat. The scarred man might not be entirely a submissive wolf by nature - too many regal ancestors would at least attempt to negate that particular character trait - but he knew how to behave like one, and would not disrespect his superiors. In this case, Titania was his superior, regardless of her age. She would always be his superior, as long as she were the Alphess, and that was the way it should be. My Alphess, my lady, Shandom murmured as he approached her, nearly crawling on the ground. I have been looking for you. I... You have a right to know my sins. His words were soft, and they carried years of burdened shame.

Glancing at her for a moment, Shandom quickly realized of who she reminded him. He had to suppress a chuckle when he recognized the utter absurdity of the thought.

This young girl, this Alphess who was not yet a woman, reminded him so very, very much of what he imagined his biological mother to have been like.

Titania Moonsong · 01-12-2012, 03:10 AM

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WC 1034

Childhood was certainly a thing to only be appreciated by those who could not have it. Children were notorious for trying to grow up too quickly, for not appreciating the leisure that was youth, always wanting responsibility and to be seen as an adult. Titania had always been one of them the moment she became self aware, and she had abandoned her childhood without so much as a glance over her shoulder when she became the founding Alphess of New Dawn. For now she had no idea what she had given up. Later, perhaps things would change...

The stories of many of her pack members had been with her ever since that day at the mound near the den, and from time to time when Titania wasn't focusing on something specific their trying tales would come to mind. It seemed everyone had a fascinating story to tell wrought with as much strife, if not more, than joy. Knowing what they all had been through saddened her, yet she also tried to draw hope from each journey. If they had been through this much she doubted there was anything that could hurt New Dawn, an inspiring thought for such a young pack. If she tried hard enough she could learn from their experiences and hopefully be all the stronger for it. And at the same time it began to give her a perspective on the world that she had never known before.

She used to think that her mother and father were erroneously overprotective. She understood any good wolf wanting to protect their lot but thought that they took it to the extreme, but if every wolf she knew now had dealt with such sorrow perhaps they had reason to guard her and Juliet like they were precious jewels. She knew something had even happened within her own family to make them act like that, but had thought it was an isolated incident. Apparently tragedy was more commonplace than comedy.

It was solemn contemplation that had the Alphess at the stream now, appearing to give rapt attention to the trickling waters when in fact she was lost in reverie. Her golden eyes stared at the stream though saw no water nor ice even as it babbled down its rocky route. It wasn't until the white wolf spoke that her thoughts were broken, though strangely enough the conversation he brought with him may have something to do with the vein of her reflection.

An ear turned toward him first, her neck twisting so she could see him just a moment after. He approached with utter respect for her station, as he always did. The only time he denied her authority was before he was a member of New Dawn, and that was only when she had gone to the extreme to sniff at his throat. She didn't blame him for that. He did not know her then, nor was she his Alphess. Now she suspected he would let her, but he didn't deserve the disrespect of the attempt. She let it alone, Shandom was more than just posture and politics.

Yet his posturing was in full force now as he all but crawled over the tightly packed snow towards her. She was almost surprised to see how he prostrated himself today. Luckily the snow here was thin or else the man might have sunk right into it at that height.

“Shandom,” she breathed his name and it sounded more like the whisper of Mother Nature than her own voice. She was going to ask him what troubled him but realized he meant to still speak, and he answered her question already. Her eyes looked him over with warmth before she turned her body to face him – though remained half laying on her side.

She remembered the story Shandom had confessed before the pack and herself. It had taken bravery to tell as many details as he had, yet there was something more in his history that Titania needed to know. He had spoken of so much heartbreak, but somewhere in there he confessed his guilt to a crime which he would not mention. She wanted to know, for New Dawn's sake and for Shandom's sake, what had happened.

“Your story,” she nodded gently, but was silent for a moment as it all came back to her, the details that she could remember. She hoped her memory was not too choppy, for she had taken in many histories that evening and might have confused some of the details. A moment later she rose to her paws and moved over to him, licking his forehead and rubbing his muzzle with her own. “Thank you for your honor. You come to me as a courageous wolf.” And with that her muscles relaxed, body becoming casual, and she hoped her posture and affection was enough to show Shandom that he may stand at ease now.

“So, you're ready to tell? I'm glad you came to me,” she had hoped it would be this way, that he would have picked up on her interest in his background and approach her about it. She knew this matter needed to be discussed when the time was right for Shandom, and she did not want to appear the nosy youth or the control freak by going to him and demand that he tell her. Had she been kept to wait for too long, though, she would have.

“We all deserve our privacy,” the unspoken part was 'except from the Alphas' “And you may choose who knows whatever it is you are about to reveal to me. Only Zalen will I tell. Other than that your story is not mine to give... of course, if you would rather hold council with Zalen yourself, that is fine too, but no secrets will be kept between Alphas.” Her words ended in a closed-mouth smile, warm and affectionate. Her eyes sought Shandom's, but only to peer into his soul and not to force submission upon him – Titania was fast developing a talent for separating her official dominance stares and the looks that were meant to encourage and warm the heart.

Image courtesy of mourner@Flickr; table by the Mentors!

Shandom Qi'Vaex · 01-17-2012, 08:24 PM

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Sorry for the delay D: I am all sorts of not on the ball. / +1,526

She was gentle, and nuzzled him in greeting. Shandom felt a sort of comfort arount Titania, one he had not yet built with Zalen - he supposed it was likely due to his lack of conversation with the other man. It was something he desperately sought to have, as the white man craved a greater understanding of what brought his Alpha to his decision - where had he been raised, what had it been like? Was it like his own upbringing, or more like the strange ones he'd seen in Cour des Miracles? Regardless, Shandom knew it impolite to outright question a leader about his past, and would not do so unless the two got to conversation. When Titania mentioned that she would, of course, tell Zalen about the story he was about to share, the white man nodded his head, the shadow of an understanding smile on his ruined face. Of course, my Lady, he responded, now in a slightly more comfortable and less overtly submissive stance. The male's tale was curled around his legs as he sat comfortably, ears flicked back and eyes carefully lowered most of the time.

He inhaled deeply, eyes casting around the horizion as the man searched his memories for an appropriate place to begin. Shandom supposed perhaps a forwarning would be best, as the story was bloody and would cast great shame upon the man. Lifting his chocolate eyes and focusing on Titania, he began his story. I will warn you, this is not a pretty tale. I carry years of shame for my actions, and though I was a much younger, and much more inexperienced wolf at the time, there is still no excuse for what happened. What I will tell you will hold nothing back - I will explain the entire story, and I will do my best to include all parts. What I cannot promise you, however, is an adequate explanation as to why. Certainly, I can try - I have tried for years to search myself for a valid reason as to why I committed these horrible, horrible crimes. But, my Alphess, I hope you can look at me in a positive light after I tell you the rest of my sordid tale. I would greatly appreciate your discretion - my pack family has a right to know, and, if and when the time is right, I will finish my story. Of course, I would not dream of trying to conceal this from the Alpha, Zalen, either. If he has the time, though, I would like to share my story with him on my own. It is not that I do not think you will adequately relay it - I am sure you would, in fact - but it would come best from my own lips.

Here, Shandom paused momentarily, closing his chocolate eyes for the briefest of moments. When they opened, a deep sadness permeated them, one that consistently lurked in their depths but only now was brought to the forefront. My sister, Linquilea, was a beautiful and turbulent girl. After my parents were killed, and her family brought my brother and I into their fold, she and I became the best of friends, and I developed feelings that were less than platonic. I have told you this. My feelings were such that it compromised almost every one of my actions - I could not lift a paw without considering how it would affect my Lea-Belle. In my selfishness and immaturity, I often did not recognize how my actions could be hurting my sister. I was terribly possessive of her, and was not one to encourage her social interactions with other wolves, especially not males. I thought her to be my own, and my birth right - as the heir to the Alpha throne (it is done by family in Etienne, as is the custom in that region), I would have my choice of mate - or so I thought. Lea... Lea loved me, very much. I knew that. I wish I could have recognized it for its value, and been satisfied.

I wasn't. When Lea took a mate... Shandom trailed off for a moment, his expression contorted into an expression of emotional pain and vulnerability that he had not revealed in many seasons' turns. I have never experienced a pain equal to that. Jax and I were rivals from the moment he crossed my borders, and the only reason I ever allowed him harbor in my lands was because Lea begged me. She quickly became pregnant with her first litter, and though I had the right to demand their destruction, I could not deny her. I could never deny her... But the children she bore were hated to me. They were the embodiment of what I could not have, what I would never have, and the only thing I wanted. A family, with the woman I loved, to carry on the Qi'Vaex name. Lea was so happy with her children and handsome mate, and I became... less of a priority. Oh, she assured me that she loved me! Time and time again, she assured me that I was still her best friend and her closest confidant, but she had a family now, she kept reminding me... They had to take priority...

There was a moment of silence, in which Shandom made the final decision. He had babbled for long enough, avoided the crimes... Shaking his white head, the male exhaled a long breath of air and brought his eyes to Titania's. I killed them, Alphess. In a fit of jealousy, consumed by my greatest sin, I took two innocent, young lives. Their names were Xyvi and Kora Dy'Nix, and they loved me. When their Uncle Shandom came to their parents' den, they thought nothing of following me into the early morning. Lea woke to find them missing, and followed their scent to where we were, not five hundred paces from the den area. My muzzle was stained with their blood, and I fled as she screamed and screamed and screamed.... I remember what it was like to see her beautiful head bent over their bodies as her own muzzle was stained... I was not there, but Linquilea was blamed for the crime and run off the lands. As the leader, as the exalted Qi'Vaex Alpha, not one of my packmembers believed it was me.

She was ruined that day. The madness that had always lurked in the back of her mind, checked by the love of those around her, consumed my beloved sister. Linquilea returned several moons later under the cover of night, and I did not recognize her initially. Her dark fur, which had once been so lovely and shining, was coarse and unkempt. Her teeth, once beautiful and pristine, were grossly colored, a horrible combination of reds and yellows. But her eyes.... Her eyes were the worst. Where there was once fire, spirit, love, and pride there was now death and cold hatred. I knew I had ruined her from the moment I saw her that night, but I was... lost in my happiness of seeing her again. She told me, in a voice I barely recognized, that to gain her love again I had to commit another crime. Two, really. I had to murder again, and this time I had to murder my adoptive parents, her biological parents.

I am remiss to say I did this without question. Love, Alphess, is the only explanation I can give, and it is not good enough. It led me to crazy things, things I regret more than anything in the entire world. Linquilea, of course, had calculated it so I would be revealed for the sinner I am. She cried "Murderer!" loud enough to rise the rest of the pack, so as they saw me bent over the broken and bleeding bodies of the former Alphas, the wolves of Etienne saw me for what I was. Lea attacked me, and while I fought back - rather feebly - I was no match for her, as few are. She is... uncharacteristically large. That night she tore out my eye, and Etienne stripped me of my surname and cursed me Nightslayer. I fled, and have not returned.

Shandom was quiet for several moments, perhaps to give Titania time to digest the horrible information he'd just provided. After all, the white man had just admitted to four counts of premeditated murder, regardless of poetic reasoning. That is my story, Alphess. I have told you everything, and I apologize for its length. I... I would like you to know that I am not the wolf I was. There is no excuse for what I did, and you cannot erase clean the sins of the past, but I would never act in such a manner in these lands. I would never act in such a manner, ever again. With that, the man reclined to the ground and rolled to his back, exposing his most vulnerable neck. I hope you can forgive me for my sins, Alphess, and know I am not a danger to you or New Dawn.

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