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Geneva nodded at Anu's answer, glad to have been relieved of the bottle. She found that she really liked the rich taste of the wine, but she would have to take measured sips instead of huge slugs from the bottle. She did not want a repeat of her latest display of foolish behavior. She was surprised she hadn't sputtered the dark drink all over her tan-pelted companion.
She could see the logic in her answer. It was true, there was beauty all around. Especially in the most unexpected places, like now. Lime green eyes alight with something strange, half magic and half mad, she caught Anu's hands in her own. One hand held Anu's free one and the other wrapped around where Anu's hand held the neck of the bottle. She looked into her face, searching there for a few minutes.
Her head felt like it was wrapped in cotton, soft swirling thoughts raced and slowed, lulling and frantic like the surge and recession of the ocean. It was heady, confusing and warm. She felt the sweet taste of the wine on the back of her tongue. "Do you know one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen?" she asked softly. She looked into her blue eyes searchingly. "You."
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She sipped slowly, as the words she spoke milled around in the air between them. Warmth covered her hands, rushing to her face as she watched Geneva watch her. There was something wrong, not wrong but different hidden behind the bright green orbs. The air between them changed, and Anu prayed that she wasn’t the one to flip the switch.
The words slipped to her ears, filtering through her alcohol laced mind at a mildly slower rate then normal. She could have turned her back, ripped her paws from the other female’s and run. It would have been the best decision, but Anu couldn’t do such a thing, not to her friend.
Then unintentionally the image of the mansions ceiling came to her. Laying the one of the living room couches, alone and her body aching for the presence of her mate. It came and left, as if it had only been a shadow in her mind. Still it had been there. Blue eyes looked down, ashamed that for a moment there was betrayal in her heart.
Still she smiled, and slowly removed her hand from within Geneva’s paw. You don’t mean that, Geneva. Her voice was more serious, less tainted by humor and alcohol. Maybe it was all a joke that they would laugh about in the morning, when the wine was only a dull headache.
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The lime eyed wolfess shook her head at Anu's denial, feeling the rejection sharply as her hands slid away. She let her arms fall limply at her sides. She didn't know why she felt so out of control and she had no idea why. The light headed feeling wouldn't go away and she felt her heart pounding wildly. She didn't know if she was relieved or bereft from the loss of contact from Anu.
She wrapped her arms around herself, as if she was trying to hold all these alien feelings inside. What was she doing? What was she on the verge of doing? Her alcohol addled mind couldn't process more than one thing at a time, and what loomed in her thoughts were the strange, warm feelings she felt told her friend. Feeling she thought were wrong before the pounding of her heartbeat consumed her once again.
Her eyes were liquid as she looked at Anu, her legs trembling visibly. "Anu, I-I would never lie to you," she said sadly, an edge of desperation in her voice. She didn't know what she was asking for, silently pleading with Anu. She didn't know if she wanted comfort or something else entirely, to be near or far from the blue-eyed woman. She didn't know, and that frightened her, had shaken her to her core. It showed plainly on her face as she looked at Anu helplessly.
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The grey fey retreated into herself, as Anu watched. Her heart rang out, screaming for her comfort her friend. It was wrong not to gather her up and calm her, but it would be wrong to show such affection when there was a chance she misinterpret the gesture. Anu was still unsure how they got to where they were. How Geneva had these sudden feelings, or how Anu had missed them all together.
A hand touch an arm that cradled the fey, soft but assertive. I know. For some reason Anu did know, but why had she questioned her in the first place? She shook the though from her mind, only after could she search for Geneva’s eyes. It wasn’t fair, for some reason it just felt unfair. For the both of them.
You know I care about you... She left the words, unsure of how to say what needed to be said. Wishing she wasn’t in a place where she had to hurt someone in order to keep her mateship pure and honest, she lowered her eyes once again.
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I don't think I can make Geneva anymore aggressive in her attraction toward Anu. As a result, I don't really know where this thread will end up, but I love it and you!
Her eyes watered momentarily as she watched Anu debate silently. She had screwed up royally. What had she done? What had she Hoped to do? Nothing made sense to her now. She cursed the way her heart raced when Anu reached for her again. This was wrong, so wrong. An image of the white pelted Commander loomed large in her vision and she blinked before her imagination could give it any more substance. And there was the reason her heart be could be damned. She had promised the white woman her loyalty, her fealty, her resources. And silently, her life. How could she even imagine betraying Naniko? She felt a hollowness in the pit of her stomach.
And suddenly, for a radiant moment, everything made sense for her again. She had a reason, a motive to back away even when Anu reached for her again in comfort. She stayed for a moment, listening to those sad, soft words. But that reason, the logic, the passion she felt for Crimson Dreams, and the compassion she had for Anu and Naniko overpowered any other feeling or thought. She smiled softly, and just as firmly withdrew without any lingering touch. The firmness in her actions was a message to Anu: that for this one moment, she understood and she was in control, however tenuous her control might be.
"I know," she said softly. "I care about you too. More than I thought I did," those words held a shadow of confusion, doubt. She hated doubted herself, it left too much room for error. She took two small steps back, letting her arms hang loosely at her sides, her ears flat and her tail hanging limp between her legs. She needed to remain calm, to breathe evenly. The world was swaying with the sound of the ocean, everything had soft edges. She tried to focus and failed. "I don't know what's going on with me," she said helplessly and the silent words in those admission echoed unsaid in the air: I'm sorry.
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I think they both have a certain personality that doesn’t allow for aggression! Both are too reserved and gentle. Which I love! But Anu can set her strait, so that there may be a little bit of soul crushing
Anu could only remember all to well her first feels towards another female. And if Geneva was going through what Anu thought she was, there was no doubt confusion in her very core. Another second of though made her wish she could ease her questioning, show that such affection could be reciprocated. But Anu couldn’t, wouldn’t be the one to show her that her feelings were nothing to be ashamed of.
Anu set the bottle that she had been clutching on the railing, letting it rest there for the next pair who journey up the tall tower to find and enjoy. Maybe the wind would take it, sending to the rock cliffs and the crashing waves, saving anyone like Anu and Geneva from an alcoholic daze.
She understood that Geneva never wanted to place her in such a position. The realization brought a smile to her face, knowing that all the things that passed between them were innocent. At least she believed it while they stood side by side, later she would let the guilt take over.
Too often we let feelings we had for one soul fall onto another. Anu remembered her story, how she lost her mate before joining the pack. Maybe the emotions she had for him were still alive and well, and with no place to go, they were inadvertently rested upon Anu.
Nani is mine, as I am hers. That is where my feeling fall. The words had to be said, even if they both knew the obvious. They had to be said, or the guilt would be unbearable later, when she let it breach her heart.
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Me too!
She blinked as the wind picked up, stirring her gray fur. Anu's words penetrated her mind. Splashes of color curved behind her as the sun poised itself to set. Different colors splashed, mixed, intertwined as the ocean backdrop reflected all of this and the blue in Anu's eyes. Geneva held her breath. This moment really was beautiful - holding one of the most beautiful sights she had ever seen. But she knew better than to say so now. She couldn't. Not after the way Anu had said what she had. Although the words held some force, she knew that there was an underlying vulnerability. She wouldn't take advantage of that.
She felt moisture prick her eyes when Anu spoke of where feelings fell. She tried but couldn't conjure up a picture of Jordan, her fallen mate. There was some guilt, but her mind was too full of Anu and these new feelings to drum up images of a past life. She had come so far from those times, and felt as though that young, reserved, idealistic wolfess wasn't her anymore. Not quite. Now she was something more.
And that something more in her life included these new, surprising feelings. They were confusing, but she knew deep in her heart that they were true, although her mind hadn't quite caught up yet. Anu had drawn a line in the sand and she would not cross it for anything. "I understand what you're saying," she said thoughtfully, a slight drawl to her words. She might not agree, but she could see the logic. And one of them had to be logical. Lord knew it wasn't her right now. "I don't want to ruin that for you." She wouldn't do that for the world.
She backed up against the railing, trailing her hand along its edge. She moved toward the doorway, leaning against it when she got there. She didn't know what else she could say or do. "Anu..." she said softly.
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<3.
It was suddenly winter again. With the wind to her back her mane and fur whipped passed her face. Fighting off a shiver Anu tucked her elbows in, hoping to conserve heat without crossing her arms. It was a feeble attempt. An arm crossed her stomach for warmth, as well as keeping what ever threatened to free itself inside. Her guilt was growing, rising into her throat, pushing at her eyes and asking for tears.
Geneva’s words calmed it, smothering the burning fire that scorched her eyes. It felt better that she understood, how she knew that Anu was forever committed. Anu let her eyes wander again, her head turning away and into the wind. Hiding whatever was left of her unease. It wasn’t until her name was spoken, just a little more then a whisper, she looked back. She caught it before it was sent of the railing with the rest of the breeze.
She was by the wooded door, the exit that she had been searching for. Take it her mind screamed, before something happened that they would both regret. If she knew and if she didn’t wasn’t to ruin what Anu and Nani had, she would leave. She couldn't push her, not this way. Instead she truly wanted was to gather Geneva in her arm, just to keep them from falling apart. But comfort that she would have naturally given another and herself wouldn't sooth the guilt they both would leave with.
Then go. Her words were abrupt but quiet, hiding that it was a lie.
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She let the cold of the wind embrace her as night bloomed overhead, darkening the sky. Shadows moved as the sun receded, making the shadows stretch and lengthen. The darkness touched Anu, and Geneva fought the urge to go to her again so they could be alone in the dark together, or find someplace light. None of this made sense to her. All she could do was try to breathe.
The rush of air in her lungs felt cold, but she welcomed it. Anything was better than the warmth that pooled in her chest looking into Anu's eyes, the way her body heated up as her blood quickened. No, she couldn't do this. She couldn't choose this or even consider it. Her eyes lingered on Anu as she looked off into the distance.
When Anu finally spoke again, Geneva didn't stop to think. She turned woodenly, walking through the door in quiet desperation. She kept telling herself that there was absolutely nothing to keep her there. And she knew she was lying to herself as she took the stairs two at a time, breaking into an unsteady run as she left the lighthouse and took off into the night. She took off into the dark, hoping to get lost there. Hoping that if she went fast enough, got lost enough, even she wouldn't be able to find herself.
What had she done?
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