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Rain hit the house with the volume of a thousand drummers pounding the roof. It had been like this all day. Outside, the afternoon was gray and dreary. Clouds drifted slowly close to earth, and the fog lingered even closer. Kansas slipped off the couch where he'd been most of the day, brooding over the terrible consequences of his secret with Naniko. His face was downcast as he headed toward the front door. He lifted himself to his hind paws and opened the door with his front in one fluid, practiced motion. The door swung open to reveal the rainy outside world. A perfect tribute to his sour mood.
Kansas slunk onto the porch. For a moment he stood at the top of the stairs, watching the rain. He liked rain well enough. Even though it had been like this for the past several days, he wasn't tired of it. He wanted to take the puppies outside to play in the rain, but he hadn't been able to do it. He didn't even feel right touching them after what had happened to his daughter. Even now as he thought about it, his pallid face twisted into a pained grimace. He felt more guilty than he ever had in his life—even more so than after what had happened with Lucifer and Naniko.
The boy didn't even feel himself slipping down onto his belly, his paws folded in front of him. He rested his face to the side of his crossed paws and sighed, his shoulders rising and falling with its force. He had to tell Savina that he'd known. It was impossible for him to keep something like that from her. Kansas settled to the grueling work of putting together how he might tell her, an unbelievably difficult task.
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The woman was still a mess. She did her best to hide it on the outside, putting on a strong face for the pack, but internally she felt lost in a whirlwind. Cambria seemed to be doing a little better, and for that she was thankful. Her brother and sister were doing a good job of trying to cheer up their depressed sibling. Right now the three pups were asleep and she had asked Mati to keep an eye on them while she went out for some fresh air. She was still having a hard time digesting everything that had occurred. Naniko had been her best friend, like a sister, and she felt as though she had lost her forever. They had had their problems, but Savina could have never guessed that something like this would ever drive them apart. The words that had been spoken that day still angered and hurt her.
As she had walked downstairs she had caught the scent of her mate in the main area heading out to the front porch. It seemed they hadn't talked much since the accident. That was her fault if anyone's. She had sort of retreated into herself, trying to be strong enough to do what had to be done. But she needed his comfort. She needed him to stand beside her as much if not more than she needed Anu to. No doubt he needed comfort too. It was their daughter that had been harmed. Hopefully he wasn't blaming himself for any of it.
The raven fey nosed open the door and padded over to where he lay on the porch. Once she stood beside him she buried her nose in the thick fur of his scruff. She fought to hold back tears, her composure quickly cracking in his presence. Her body laid down next to his and she leaned into him, eyes still closed. "I need you," she whispered to him. Surely he knew that she had done only what she had needed to do. That she hadn't wanted to force Naniko out. They couldn't risk the safety of the pack and of their children though.
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Savina's withdrawal had worked conviently for him. He loved it when she told him everything on her mind, but this time he didn't think he could have handled it. He couldn't sit there and pretend to comfort her when he was essentially the cause of her pain. It was insulting and cowardly. But since she had not yet wanted to talk about what happened in the past week, he was able to keep from lying to her with false empathy. He didn't know if he could have told her the truth outright until today. And that made him feel terrible. He was just a stupid, selfish coward.
The porch door creaked, but he didn't turn to see who was about to join him. He already knew. In spite of everything, Kansas felt his tail thrum against the floor when her aroma hit him, and when he felt the warmth of her body slipping down beside him. It amazed him that no matter what, seeing her made him so giddy with sudden happiness. He felt her nose against his cheek, and his chest tightened as if a fist had suddenly clenched his heart. He knew with her words that she was finally letting herself feel. And though he loved that she was so comfortable with him, that she was doing it just for a chicken-shit like him seemed so wrong.
Kansas couldn't bring himself to look into her eyes. "I... I know, baby," he said, his voice soft and strung up with sadness. Yeah, he knew she needed him. Or she thought she did. But she didn't need him. All he did was let things happen, terrible things. His pale eyes closed a moment, his brow tight. Finally he began, his voice broken with anxiety and self-loathing. "Savina, I... there's something—something I need to tell you..."
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She felt bad for having been so distant with him. Their family had suffered a tough blow and they should have been spending most of their time together, not apart. At least that was the way she had imagined it would be in her mind. That they would be strong and band together. But instead she had closed herself off and the woman couldn't really say why. Most of her attention had been focused on Cambria, making sure she was doing as well as could be expected. With losing Naniko they had also lost their healer, and that frightened her. What if at some point her daughter started to suffer some strange side effects because of what had happened to her? Who would be there to know how to help her?
Now that she was beside him again though she did her best to let that all slip away for a moment. His scent filled her with that familiar warm sensation and she could feel her own tail give a wag or two. It was so strange, she couldn't remember the last time her tail had wagged. It seemed like it had been so long. Knowing she was out here with him alone made her want him for more than just the emotional support. It had been so long since they had made love, and for some reason right now that sounded so wonderful. To do something so life-affirming. Like it would somehow prove that they all would make it through this. She licked his pale cheek and snuggled closer to him, if it were even possible.
The sadness in his voice broke her heart. Gods, how much had he been suffering? As much as her? She should have been there for him sooner. It hadn't been fair of her. Savina whined softly against him. Though at his next words she finally pulled her face away from his plush coat. Her face was puzzled as she looked at him. She had never heard such a note in his voice and it made her stomach tie into knots. "W-what is it...?" Anxiety gripped her like a vice.
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He could tell by the way she inched closer to him, into him, that his very presence was a comfort to her. Just as he felt with her, she was soothed simply by his closeness. And he felt even now that he needed her, and that he had for the past few days. A certain thirst was quenched. He needed her very, very much. The time they'd spent apart recently had been more painful than he expected. Kansas savored the moment, knowing what he was about to say would push her away from him again. And her sense of calm would disappear because he would hurt her. After the words left his lips, who knew when she'd want to be close to him again, in any sense? He couldn't even bring himself to think about sex.
She pulled away, and Kansas sighed, knowing the security of their togetherness was over. He couldn't expect it to return any time soon. His eyes closed for a moment when she had finished her worried response. And then he turned to face her, his pale eyes locking on to her stunning emeralds. He could look into her eyes. It was the least he could do. He hadn't been man enough to tell anyone about Naniko's addiction, but he could look into his lover's eyes and tell her he'd known. Maybe that won him just a bit of credit. "Naniko... I, eh... A few days before... the accident, I-I found Naniko in the basement," he paused, aware that by this time, Savina probably knew what was coming.
"She was high. And she told me about... the drugs. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone," His teeth dug into his lip, piercing the skin. When the boy spoke again, his voice barely surpassed a whisper. "I'm s-sorry..."
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As those few moments of silence ticked by she felt as thought she might suffocate. Something was wrong. Something was wrong and she didn't know if she could bear anything else being wrong. So much had happened and all of it had shaken the woman to her very core. She had never expected to have to deal with any of this and it had all so unexpectedly crashed down upon her. Those few blissful moments they had just spent together had help alleviate that weight upon her, but now she felt it closing in around her once again.
Their eyes locked and it was almost too much. But she didn't look away, she couldn't look away. For a second hope glimmered in her. Maybe she was overreacting. Maybe whatever he had to say wasn't that bad. He was her mate. No, it couldn't possible be as bad as she feared. But then unsteady words came from him and her heart sank once again. In that slight pause she tried to deny what she knew was coming and then the illusion was quickly shattered and it felt as if a bucket of ice cold water had been thrown upon her.
He...he had kept that from her? Savina was stunned into silence, stupefied. But why? Why would he not tell her? Hadn't he known how dangerous that stuff was? Not only to Naniko but to everyone else? Her eyes closed and she turned her head away. Then without warning all her old feeling of insecurity about the relationship between her love and his adoptive sister came flooding back, drowning her mind. Tears welled up behind her lids and leaked out through the corners of her eyes. "Why...?" she asked, her voice strained. "W...Why wouldn't you tell me? D-Do you c-care for her m-more?" the volume of her voice increased with each word.
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He wondered if his apology would mean anything. But he doubted it would. It was just noise, just some pathetic thing he threw to the end of his confession on the weak hope that it would make things a little bit better. For her. She had to know that he was sorry, but for now he knew she wouldn't believe him. But he was so, so sorry. He was adding more to the pain she'd been through the past few days. He couldn't imagine how hard it was for her. Having to tell the entire pack that Naniko was gone, when the pale woman had so many who cared about her here. And he was aware that Savina had lost a friend in her, too.
Her stunned expression made him wince slightly. He saw her eyes pool with tears that soon rolled down her beautiful face. It tore him apart to see that she was crying because of him. And her words took those pieces of him and burned them. She said something he hadn't honestly expected. He thought she would talk about Cambria first, but instead he saw that she was still worried about his relationship with Naniko. Kansas had considered this, of course, but he did expect Savina to react that way. It hurt more than he thought it would. But he deserved it. "N-no! Savina, I love you," He loved her so much... it seemed there was no room for him to love anyone else.
"Naniko was my friend... and... I didn't want to—to lost her friendship. We hadn't talked in a long... a long time before that," he explained desperately. "But it wasn't worth it. I-I should have told you, believe me... I know." He looked away, darkly thoughtful. "I didn't think this would happen... I didn't think about how dangerous that stuff was. I didn't think at all. And now Cambria..." He trailed off, and his eyes found hers again, begging that she know he was sincere.
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It was perhaps selfish of her to talk about that first instead of what had befallen their daughter. Savina couldn't say why that was the first thing she had felt, but it had been. It was something that had not bothered the woman for a long time, something she hadn't even thought about in months. She trusted Kansas fully, she knew that he would never be disloyal to her in such a way. But now that this had happened she couldn't help but question it all. She had never felt this bad when it came to him, not even when the news about that one night had come to light. Her heart felt like a hand was crushing it.
Part of her was aware how much pain he was in as well. Aware that he felt awful about what all had happened, about keeping that information from her. But right now nothing could ease the pain that filled every part of her being. It sounded like there was a buzzing in her ears, in her very skull itself. She couldn't open her eyes for fear of what she might see. His words found her slowly and she knew, she knew how sincere he was. That it was all just a big mess, an accident, that he had never meant to cause her any pain. But it still didn't help. Not right now anyway.
Suddenly she felt suffocated, like the world was closing in on her and the last place she wanted to be was where she was. She couldn't take it. She couldn't handle any more. She just needed to get away. Shakily she got to her feet and was surprised her legs even held her weight at all, for they felt like water beneath her. "I...I have to go..." she said quietly as if through a haze. Savina walked down the stairs and the moment her feet hit the wet earth she ran. Rain poured down on her and tears continued to fall from her eyes. She needed to be anywhere but here.
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