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Nani, outside CD… on the 10th (right xD ??)
The wolf ran. It was not a hard pressed sprint, but long and loping. She had distance to kill, and it seemed that death was on her mind. There was a hare that hung in her jaws, trapped and with no life left to fight for release. A small taste of blood touched her tongue, and the woman savored it. But her stomach was loosing its hunger, though her thoughts were ravaging. It was unlike the peaceful female to want to give pain. Her kills were swift and almost unknown to the ones she hunted. The chase was short, the stress minimal. But this morn the tawny slim fey chased the little beast until it’s legs gave, or the heart that propelled them. And when she had caught it, it was its stomach that she tore at, not its neck. How it screamed, and how she enjoyed the song.
She felt the guilt, for the inhuman slaughter of the little sun child. The hare was brown with summer fur, a cotton ball tail its only testament to its winder jacket. The dark eyed beasts were ones of the sun, as Anu was. They fed on all that was fed by the sun, and worshiped the light, and hid in it’s shadows. She was a heavy doe, maybe even filled with her second of third litter of the season. As the sun gave raze after life sustaining raze, rabbits gave kit after wolf sustaining kit.
A scent, familiar and yet unknown in some sort filled her nose as she ran. She could taste it, past the blood and fur. Slowing, blue eyes looked around, searching for the cause. It was disruption, though Anu was in lands unclaimed. Her heart tightened, and her stomach felt the sudden need to have her mouth release the dead hare. But she held onto it, out of instinct, and trailed the scent. She was hardly close to the borders, and yet Anu would search the woman out before she could detangle the feelings that raged within her.
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[html] Table by Jael
ooc: I'll have it be about a mile out of the cour des miracles borders if that's cool ^^
White paws dashed with splotches of brown mud moved swiftly through the damp grasses of the outer portions of the Cour des Miracles border, heading back toward her knitted sanctuary. With Urma's help she had arranged a large amount of blankets and fabrics into a pile in one of the back rooms of her home, making a nice bed for her. Each day came and went without much happening; out in the city things were very dead, and it wasn't often that the pallid female got a visitor. That was ok, though. She didn't want or need a constant flow of wolves coming in and out of her shop.
The wolf was in her lupus form, the one that she had chosen soon after she had found out about her pregnancy. Now she was completely 100% sure of it; with her thinner summer coat a small bump was noticeable beneath her pale skin. The area that she walked through was flooded and she chose her path carefully, keeping to the shallower areas with more rocks and fallen trees that she could walk across.
She had just turned back when an all-too-familiar scent hit her nose, and she paused. She didn't know if she ought to continue along her way or turn back to see Anu--what was the other wolf doing so far away from her lands? They were on neutral territory and Naniko could easily remember her path back in case of an altercation...she didn't go any closer to her ex-mate, simply pausing in her steps and waiting for the Crimson Dreams wolf to come to her.
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good w/ me
It had been so long since they had been alone. There was no other scent, and Anu feared that she would meet her and there would be no one else to kill the tension. Still the woman gave herself into the trot, and ran. What she wanted, Anu couldn’t decide. Answers, did she need answers? Or did she just need to know that there had been change? She could not make out the emotion. All feelings for the other female had been smothered and hidden for what felt like forever. Had they been alone since the day their relationship had come to an end? And now she was rushing off to meet her in an unclaimed land. The hare swung on her mouth, and before Anu was ready, the figure of the woman stood before her, the brown dead thing fell from her jaws.
Larger the Anu would ever be, the white coated fey stood in such a way before her that made Anu feel like they were destined to meet. Blue eyes took her in, and it was neither hate nor anger the welled within. It was nothingness. Bleak and black, Anu could look into the depths for ages and still not see a single thing. It was not something Naniko had created, but she provoked it. Anu had dug this, a pit in her soul that she could be lost in. Lost in the dark, where sight was useless, no one could ask questions. Nothing existed, and so Anu could not second-guess. And yet as peaceful as that could be she began to fill it, with the memory of that day that she was never forget and the snow-white woman would not shake from her name. Not in her sky-eyes.
Silence, filing the dark emptiness. The Dreamer found that the woman’s condition was familiar, and brought back so many other memories. She was ashamed to think that they held more pain to remember them then the day of Cambria’s incident. “Have you been hurt?” The words felt bitter on her tongue, but they were soft, hollow of anger and Anu wanted to know. Had she and Savina sent their friend off to be raped in her unstable state? She couldn’t begin to deal with such guilt. And once she knew, maybe the other questions that she held would come easily.
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[html] Table by Jael
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She hadn't felt love for Anu in a long time, now. Her feelings about the female stretched from mild annoyance to full-out anger, depending on which memory she decided to focus on. Recently, none of the memories had been very good ones. One could say that she was to blame for that...but she hadn't made that ultimatum. She had been addicted to a drug, yeah, and a pup had nearly gotten hurt from it. But she had needed help to get off of it and her pack, her "family", had discarded her like she meant nothing to them. Maybe she did mean nothing to them, and had always meant nothing.
She was interested in catching up with her orange son, and had been standing around the Cour des Miracles border so that she might get a word with him, but hadn't had much luck so far with actually finding him. Naniko still didn't completely know why he had left Crimson Dreams to begin with, but she was ready to listen to his story if he was ready to tell it. It was sad that she had to find out her own son's story, what he had been doing for those months that he had been away. She should have known, as his mother. But she'd had more than enough to handle with Crimson Dreams...and he had known where she was, too. So it wasn't completely her fault.
The Crimson Dreams wolf spoke and she listened, brows knit together with unease. Her tail was held at mid-level and stood very still; she could hold whatever stature she felt was best in the situation; Anu wasn't her leader and she didn't owe her respect. "No. I haven't told their father yet about them...but I will soon. He's a good friend of mine." She had given more information than what had been asked of her, a slight show of good will. If it kept up, a conversation could be the result.
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Everyone has their choices that need to be made. Anu included. If it could be brought to bare bones, though Anu had a hard time reducing anything to its minimal, she saw that Naniko had made the wrong choice and she had made the only one available to her. Tears had come that night, fear that nothing would be right again and that her world was slowly crumbling. Just as she had begun to rebuild and repair, her road had sloped suddenly. This wasn’t easy; none of it had been easy. Her choice, as restricted and limited it seemed, was just as hard as anyone else’s.
Maybe Anu held onto memories. Even when they brought pain Anu could not burn them out of her mind. Always they remained, and they always shaped her next actions. The woman wished to forget, to believe that none of it had ever happened. It had, and there was no where to hide from the remembrance of it. She would always be connected to Naniko, no matter how far she pulled herself away and no matter how far Naniko pushed. Four souls connected them, three that still existed in her world, two within the pack that she helped lead. Memories were even harder to forget when they held a face, and spoke with a distinct voice.
The fallen Commanders voice rose and the news was not as sorrowful as Anu had feared. She could not find the word for the emotion that she felt as she spoke. Uncertain if she was glad, happy that Naniko had found some sort of comfort, or was it anger? What ever it was it rose a warmth to her face, blue eyes looked at the green that had once been her stars and moon and spoke. “You seem well.” Anu remarked, unable to force the questions that she truly wanted to ask. Did he know that she had been inhaling toxins? Did he know that they had made her not care when Cambria had been hurt? The thought of her bringing pups into the world with poisons running though her blood made her gut retch.
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Ehno had tried to tell her that things would get better with time once she was back, but she wasn't too sure that her actions would be easy to forget. She of course had not meant for anyone to get hurt, but her drug problems had reached beyond the scope of Naniko herself to affect others as well. Her ex-best friend's child. In the beginning, the drugs had seemed so innocent. Just a here-and-there thing, a hobby maybe. Something she did to pass the time in her boring life. How had things spiralled out of control so quickly?
"With no help from you. I'm healthy as a horse." She used the common phrase. She hadn't used the drugs in weeks now, and their hold on her was beginning to weaken as time went on. It was still there in the back of her head, that she could just go and get some...how easy it would be to do it in secret or something...but she'd learned how to get rid of those thoughts, to change them. Whenever she thought about it now she replaced the thought with something else. Her children growing inside of her. She didn't want them to become addicted to something just because she had been.
"The urge still comes...but I no longer listen to it." She said. "I have a few friends who have helped me...one of them is still getting through her own addictions, but she's doing better. How is the pack?"
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She hoped that she would never know such addiction. But maybe she had? Maybe she been addicted to something, someone… Anu did indeed know what it was like to have something that was poisonous; something that she wanted but knew wasn’t good for her. Too bad she hadn’t found out until things had been destroyed, bonds broken. But no one knew, no one would ever know that it had been that bad to her. Naniko couldn’t keep her secret.
Her words stung the softhearted woman, but it was true. Anu didn’t help her. Savina didn’t help her. No one then? Anu waited in silence, unsure what to say in response. Her eyes looked away. She was far to easily hurt, or sting wth small words. Made to believe that she deserved it. Her voice came again, and it was better news. She was getting better it seemed, with the help of a few strangers. Or more like nameless friends.
“I’m glad to see you’re well again.” She spoke, unsure if Naniko would even care what she thought.
“And no longer using.” And still the thought of her bringing a litter into the world made her uneasy. Trust Anu once had in the white wolfess was lost, and in need of rebirth. Her eyes grew hard, the small hurt no longer visible.
“The pack is good. Growing. Many were upset, Brooklyn outraged.” She spoke, thinking only briefly on each update. Anu did deserve her distain, for not reaching out to help ease her fall. But Naniko deserved the skepticism, and the distrust. Understanding that, Anu could guard her soft soul and gain confidence.
“It was your home before mine Nani. They will want you there, if you can prove your sobriety."
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Going back to the pack would bring all new hardships. Would she be searched for drugs, have her dwellings searched if they didn't believe that she was off of them? And what about her pups? She wouldn't be trusted, and didn't know what the pack's reaction to them would be. She wouldn't be their leader any more...she couldn't be. Because of one mistake that she had made. She didn't know if she could go back to those lands again unless she was leading the pack. It would be too hard.
It was easier to decide that she didn't need it all and go someplace else to start her life over again. Things hadn't been right since her rape and the rebirth of the pack...she wanted to be a new person, to be able to start herself over again and be able to forget some of those things. Ehno did live in Crimson Dreams, and she didn't like the idea of him not being there with her when she had the little ones. But she hadn't spoken with him yet, and she didn't even know if he was interested in being involved. She was 99% sure he would be...but there was still that little 1% of doubt. "I figured. Mati and Brooklyn came to see me along with a couple of others from the pack. I've started a mission here in the city, to burn down all the old places that used to entice me."
There were many things for her to consider and think about. She didn't know if she could be comfortable there...or what Savina would make of everything. What if Savina decided that Naniko wasn't a good mother, and decided to try and take the pups from her? She hadn't spoken with the dark lady since that night, Anu either...and she had no idea what Savina would think of it. "Thank you for the offer. It will take a lot of thought-I want to explore my options before I decide anything for certain. But it's a nice gesture. I want to live in a place where I can feel safe and secure."
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The unease that she felt was disappearing. No, she still held doubt but the hesitation that the female felt around her once leader was drifting away. As the moments passed, she became more confident and more relaxed with her own position. Yes, Anu might have wronged her when she did not rush to her aid or when she and Savina asked (or demanded) her to go. But, when Anu thought deeply she could not find the painful feeling that would accompany something like a lie or if she had injured another. When she was once flooded with guilt Anu could set her eyes on the other woman and breathe deeply with out feeling it. “I hope that works.” Her tone was light, honest. Anu wished that it would and that she wouldn’t fall off the wagon. Burning buildings seemed extreme, but if it was what Naniko needed then Anu wouldn’t question it.
But Naniko was not without fault. Here she stood, sober it seemed, with a litter growing in her womb and still she had not asked of Cambria. Perhaps Mati and Brooklyn had spoke of her, but Anu could not see remorse in her tone or features. She had wronged many of them, if not all. With lies, secrets and claiming to be their leader while spiraling down a path of addiction. As much as Naniko needed to explore her options, didn’t the pack need to know their own options? Having Naniko there would return the familiar presence of the white wolfess, it would bring their medicine worker back. But without trust, would any of her talents be of worth? That was not for Anu to decide, but each member would need to make that choice.
“Maybe we should all think on it.” Anu spoke. Maybe she was wrong, maybe the pack would not want her. What did she know? She wanted them to want her; perhaps that’s what she had meant in the last words she had spoken. “Crimson Dreams has always been a safe place Naniko. That hasn’t changed.” Not until she had started the drugs. It was harsh to think it, but she had the ability to be more dangerous to her unborn children, if she did not manage to burn every remnants of her addiction, then Crimson Dreams would ever be. Thoughts better kept unsaid.
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She was able to think more clearly than ever before, to analyze everything that had happened and reflect upon it. She didn't want to hurt anyone any more and wanted to start over again. She didn't think that she could go back to that pack without leading it--seeing the others doing her job, with herself at the bottom...that would be too much. She was upset and so was everyone else about what had happened, so why make it worse?
"There are no rules out there in the city. So far no one I've met has complained about the fires...and I think it makes the parts that I live in a little bit safer. I want to live in a pack again, Anu, and raise my children in protected lands. But I want to make the right choice. I will have to think about everything more. After what I did to Savina's child, I'm not sure how she would take this news...about my pups. She might not think I'm a fit mother."Naniko already knew that Cambria was all right from her conversation with Ehno. She had been brave enough to ask him, to inquire about the little girl's wellbeing. He had told her that she was physically well, but that mentally she was still recovering.
"Would I be welcomed to visit the pack every once in a while? That is what I would like to know...I do have family there, and if they want to see me then I would go to visit them." She said. "If not, then they could come to see me. Some have already. It's good to see a familiar face out there."
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Anu listened, knowing that was her job. But there was something that was stirring within her. Blue eyes looked at the white wolfess. She was well again, and yet she had fallen from a tall pedestal. It seemed that she didn’t want rules. Crimson Dreams was a place of rules, but that made it a place of safety. She didn’t believe that, that setting building aflame made the city any safer. Did she forget that Mati had been attacked in the city? She found it hard to believe that some other place would be safer and better to raise her children. Crimson Dreams was safer then anywhere else. That was why she and Savina had been so harsh, so blunt. To keep the order, to keep the security. She still wished to know what Naniko would have done if the roles had been switched and it had been Mati or Brooklyn who had been hurt.
She did not know what Savina thought, though she knew she was hurt. A certain pain came when a child was hurt. Anu knew it well, and the scars on Mati’s arms would bring the pain back again and again. “Savina feels Cambria’s pain, just as any mother would.” Anu spoke, ice on her voice. Naniko did not seem to see all of the consequence of her actions. How far the ripple had traveled and how torn they all had become. Her fall from leadership was felt by each one of them, Anu hoped that she would see how this would hurt their two daughters.
“I will ask Savina on your behalf, but I am sure that you will be able to. The girls will like to know you still care for them.” She paused, her voice not finding the words that she wished to say. And then she asked, “Will you go to his pack?” is that where she wanted to be? Then fine, Anu understood that she might seek comfort with him in his lands. The woman felt her body harden like stone. She no longer could feel for the female, who wanted none of her help. To many had left her, and no matter the reason Anu still felt it in her heart.
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It was her choice whether she wanted to come back or not. She did not feel entirely comfortable with Anu there, still feeling residual anger at the woman for siding with Savina and kicking her out, and their conversation wasn't going as well as one might have thought. She was still a very angry wolf inside, and that probably wouldn't change for a while. Being back in the packlands would drive her crazy, being in her own pack that she had created and not being the leader of it.
"Yes, I know all about what it's like to have a child that's in pain." Her own children were in pain because of what had happened. This accident. It was like they thought that she'd hurt Cambria on purpose. "And good. They should know that I wouldn't leave them by choice. If I thought that I could come back and that everything would be okay between Savina, Cambria, everyone else and I...then I would. But that will take a long time, and I'm not going to try and join when things are still so tense. I will join a pack that I have friends in, friends who still trust in me despite the one mistake that I made in my life. I'll see you around, I'm sure. Thank you for meeting with me and not turning the other way." It was a small step, even if everything hadn't gone very well. She turned after a nod to her ex-packmate, heading back for the city.
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Anu didn’t feel comfortable with the idea, if she returned. It was hard to find peace in a kingdom with to many kings. Fallen or crowned. But Anu did not make that decision, and for that she was grateful. She felt for Savina, the best friend of the white wolfess, the mother of the child that was hurt and the one to ask for her leave. Or demand it. Anu had stood behind her, but that place only held a shadow of the hardship. The woman felt for Naniko, understood the need for security, to keep the children in her womb safe. But Crimson Dreams was safe. Safe as the two fey’s that commanded it could, and had tried to make it. Even if Anu did not think it would make her comfortable, she knew it would be better for the family that Naniko had there. For that she would sacrifice.
Her voice was cool as she spoke, “They will miss you, and feel the strain you place on them.” for they were in pain, and loosing their mother. For what? Anu could still not understand the reason Naniko would not return. To her it was not a question of safety, their pack was still safe. Anu could imagine, guess that with all the words she spoke and all the Is she used it was pride she wished to keep. Giving her belly would be a simple sacrifice for the daughters she was leaving. She spoke, and Anu could not rid her mind of a few choice words. She did not answer her question, and that did not go unnoticed by the older woman. Blue eyes looked on, watching the younger female and a frustration rose. A pack, a pack with friends and ones that trusted her. They would know of her past? Were they so much more generous to her? Had they followed her without question for so many seasons? It hadn’t been the easiest option, to throw her drug laden mind from the pack. But did Anu get nothing for the history that they had? The past would always be present, no matter what one chose to remember, or ignore.
Anu found that nothing she could say would reach ears far younger then her own. She had many years over her, and kept her voice as even as her face. She began to turn, dismissing her as if she was no more then a mirror for a silent response-less self reflection. She spoke to her back, “Even single mistakes need forgiveness, and your welcome Naniko, I wouldn’t turn from one I loved.” though the words were kind her voice was heavy as stone. A single mistake had not been forgiven, the chance never truly received. Love that had faded, but never disappeared, not when love for four young wolves stood between them. She watched the white female walk away, her step seemed easy, the noose Crimson Dreams had placed on her pride severed. Anu let her go.
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